Hey, Remember When We Played Fargo? Yeah, Me Neither.

But I promise it did happen. Two weeks ago, which is like 15 years in blog-time. Some might say I dropped the ball on this one, but the fact is I just set the ball aside for a bit; a gal can only handle so many balls at one time.

Why is everyone falling down? And what happened to my jar of rendered goose fat?

First, let me remind you of how awesome the Fargo-Moorhead Derby Girls are. We played them twice during last year’s Rolling Along the River Tournament and both bouts were crazy-fun, competitive and exciting for both players and spectators. The Roller Dames barely eked out wins against them in the tournament, all the while, the Fargo ladies displayed great sportsmanship, positive attitudes and impossibly high alcohol tolerances. Also, they wear these super-cute sparkly blue uniforms, which I just love.

Team Paramedic, Waste 'em Kate, thinks we ought to give peace a chance, while Mr. McClennan wonders, "Two? Two what?".

We expected another very close and challenging bout when they came back to town for our home closer, and that’s just what we got. Fargo leapt out to an early lead, scoring three grand slams and some change in the first four jams, leaving the score 24-2 going into jam 5. Our bench coaches, Mo Captain and the Rodster started prying our heads out of our asses and got us back into the game after a short timeout. During the remainderof the first half, the Roller Dames took lead jammer status 15 out of 19 times and held Fargo to very few points. We broke for halftime with the score 39-64, Dames.

T-Vicious, Dubbs and Mo Payne are harder to pass than a Chinese math class.

White Tiger Martial Arts did a really cool demo during halftime where this little girl wiped the floor with a boy who was trying to take her purse, so now I know what NOT to do next time I mug a small child.

"That's my purse! I don't know you!"

We took the track for the second half, confident that we had gotten our heads into the game. Then this happened: the Roller Dames were held scoreless for a stretch of five jams, while Fargo’s Sarin Dipity, Sin Gria, Skaty Gaga and Shock Therapy combined to score 42 points, snatching the lead as quickly and easily as I snatch little girls’ purses.

Though it looks like Mo is giving Dubbs a good, hard whip, she is actually in the process of flinging her to the ground so she can take back her leggings.

All of the things we did right in the first half, Fargo did righter in the second. They were awarded lead 11 of 19 jams and called it off nearly every time, holding us to few or no points. Mo Payne, Funsize, Dubbs and Felony Convixen continued to put up points for the Roller Dames, but we were never quite able to close the gap. At the buzzer, the final score was 144-110, Fargo.

This photo was taken seconds before The Annihilatrix turned green, shredded her boutfit and started smashing things. Skip ahead, skip ahead, we all learned a little something about human fragility and Bill Bixby walked proudly into the sunset.

Although I probably should have felt worse about the loss, Fargo is such a great team, I was honestly having too much fun to kick myself. And after our last two bouts where the score got ridiculously out of hand, I realize that I’d rather lose a close bout than win a blowout any day. Thanks a million to all of the players, coaches and volunteers who came down from Fargo; we can’t wait to do it again!

Does everyone look this cool when they call off a jam, or is it just Mo Payne?

Meet Miss March (written in the style of James Lipton)

Our Dame of the month for the last half of March/first half of April, silent and noble as the first buttercup of spring, with the determination and will of a trout and all of the grace of a Kleenex dancing in the updraft of a vesper wind, is the incomparable SPANKY BOTTOMS!

Miss Bottoms, who came to grace the Roller Dames with her talent in January of 2009, learned to skate in the sunny climes of Long Beach, California, where she lived for much of her young life. It became her daily practice, as a girl, to don sunglasses with pictures of Shawn Cassidy affixed to the inside of the lenses, hoist her Bangles-blaring boom box atop her shoulder and go roller skating about her neighborhood, bringing joy into the lives of all who beheld her.

It was here, in Long Beach, where Spanky Bottoms was first beguiled by the wily mistress, roller derby. Miss Bottoms nourished her competitive hunger by watching the L.A. Thunderbirds, led by Skinny Minnie.

After returning to her childhood home of Sioux City, Miss Bottoms met and later married Mr. Bottoms, known in other circles as Tim. Tim could no more tame a soul as wild as Spanky’s than a steamboat captain can tame the Mississippi River, but he has happily ridden her crests and swells for the past 21 years. And shortly after the birth of the Sioux City Roller Dames, the Bottomses rejoiced in another birth, that of their beloved ragamuffin, Silas.

Since becoming a Roller Dame, Spanky Bottoms has amazed and delighted us all with her impeccable skill as a blocker and pivot, and has received accolades such as the cleanest skater award, both for her avoidance of the penalty box and for her most impressive ability to not reek like a cat butt as her teammates all do. She holds a seat on the team’s board of directors and serves as the team treasurer, managing the collective piggy bank with all of the financial acumen of James Pierpont Morgan. She has proven herself a vicious cakist and never fails to tickle our pallets with her bake sale cake pops.

Miss Bottoms, I am in awe of you, I avert my eyes from your blinding glory, and am unworthy of even your most minuscule crumbs of attention.

Saturday Night Roller Derby Special!

This Saturday at Long Lines, one night only, you can get two roller derby bouts for the price of one! That’s right, folks! I’ve got so much roller derby, I’m giving it away! You’ll get: the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys taking on the Dakota City Demolition Crew; AND the smart, sexy, stain-resistant, dishwasher-safe Sioux City Roller Dames against their tournament rivals, Fargo-Moorhead Derby Girls! But wait, there’s more! White Tiger Martial Arts will be there with super-karate-chopping action during the halftime performance!

I ask you, what would you expect to pay for ALL of this? $100? $200? Well, with this special blog-o-vision offer, you can get all of this and much more (depending on whether to hit Dalton’s for the after party) for only $10. You heard me right, just $10. Get your tickets now from me, any other dame you can flag down, at Knoepfler Chevrolet, Dalton’s Pub or Kinetico of Siouxland. But hurry! A deal like this won’t last long (until game day, then tickets are $12).

Mid Iowa Rollers Mix-A-Lot!

So on Saturday night the Mid Iowa Rollers found out what happens when you invite girls from 8 different teams to come skate together. A bitchin’ super-terrific derby fun time is what! Seriously, this was such an awesome opportunity for us to play with new girls and girls you don’t get to see too often. For the sake of full disclosure, I should tell you that I don’t really remember anything that happened. I mean, I can probably get within the ballpark of the score, but beyond that, everything you’ll read in the following paragraphs is made up. Big fat lies. Enjoy!

The bout was divided into three periods–two 25-minute periods and one 30-minute–with a different set of players in each period. Members of the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, Dakota City Demolition Crew, Eastern Iowa Outlaws, Oskaloosa Mayhem Girls, Old Capital City Roller Girls, Muddy River Nightmares, Quad City Rollers, Sioux City Roller Dames and, of course, Mid Iowa Rollers split into black shirts and white shirts and got down to business. FUNNY BUSINESS, that is.

For the white team, Bamf from Oskaloosa scored pretty close to 1000 points, luckily Toothy Hilt (Cedar Rapids) activated her rocket skates and scored 2000 points for the black team. T-Vicious (Sioux City) hit the black teams jammer so hard, her head flew off and landed in the lap of a teenage boy. He had to be carried out of the skating rink, wrapped in a blanket, all the while  sobbing, “This is the nearest I shall ever come to knowing the tender love of a woman!”

The score was close after the first period–within about a thousand or so–and even closer at the end of the third (for true, I think a one-point bout at that point). Then me and all the other SERIOUS ATHLETES took the track for the third period [author's note: all caps indicate sarcasm. or yelling. you figure it out, GENIUS]. First, Deja Deadwards blew an ancient tune on her enchanted whistle and summoned her flying unicorn, Lawrence. Deja and Lawrence went on to score over 600 points.

Mid Iowa Amazons, Anna Killakova and Lolli Popya made the white team look like tiny ants while they held the pack and scored, oh, I don’t know, let’s say a jillion points. After the dust settled and the trusted NSO’s had tallied the points, the score was 137ish-97ish, white team. Though we were kind of all winners, mostly because my team–the black team–did not understand the scoreboard and  thought we were winning for most of the period.

Other highlights of the evening include The Oppressor bringing swagger and bravado to the position of jam timer; Wonton Hammer performing Master of the House from Les Mis while pivoting; and the concession lady showering the winning team with soft pretzels, while splattering the losers with dipping-cheese. Then while Sum Mo Payne was heatedly disputing a call with Rainbow Spite, their eyes met, and their impassioned argument turned to just plain ‘ passion.

Yeah, that was pretty much what happened. Totally worth the drive. Thanks to the Mid Iowa Rollers for putting this awesome event together!

SCRD vs CRRG: The Ugly Duckling Hits Puberty

There are those bouts that start out ugly–I mean, nasty, sloppy, penalty-laden, hideously ugly play–but then the players will work out their nerves, clean up their play and the ugly duckling will grow into a beautiful swan. Then there are bouts like Saturday’s against the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, where that awkward little duck grew into something like this:

Sketch artist's rendering

Here’s what happened, to the best of my recollection: The first jam was a quick one. Funsize got the lead with AJ Renegade right on her tail feathers. Both jammers scored 2 points before F called the jam. Then things started to get out of hand. Mo Payne scored 10, followed by 20 from PBR and another 10 from Funsize; meanwhile, CR jammers didn’t manage to complete their initial pass through the pack and stayed scoreless while Sioux City snatched the lead, stuffed it into our sports bra and ran away with it.

Mo: "I wasn't pushing her down, I was reaching out to keep her from falling." And some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.

Then in the 6th jam, things started looking up for CR. Jacquee Da Ripper won lead jammer (the first of the game for CR) and put up 12 points, outscoring the Dames by 6. Then a few jams later, Toothy Hilt (favorite name! Seriously, say it out loud. It’s like that Mad Gab game!) got the lead and scored 8 unanswered points, while our little Dubbs was sent to the box to think about what she did (cutting the track).

Funsize, we already told you, you're too old to be on the dance team, no matter how sweet your windmill move is.

Even these impressive jams, though, only brought CR to within 50 points of the lead. PBR had decided that if she was going to go to all the trouble of getting up out of her comfy chair, she might as well score tons of points while she was up. By the end of the night, she had three 20+ point jams, and a total of 90 points in the bout. So if the score looked lopsided at the half–35-123–you can pretty much blame all of that on PBR.

These tiny dancers were so adorable! I just wanted to take one or two of them home with me, but the words "kidnapping" and "unlawful enslavement of a minor" get thrown around a lot these days.

It is sometimes hard to evaluate what causes a bout to go well for one team and poorly for another. Certainly here penalties were a factor, but after looking at the score sheets, another HUGE factor that determined the score in this bout was lead jammer status AND strategically calling off the jam. Toward the end of the first half, CR’s jammer took the lead 5 times in a row, but only called the jam two of those times. During this 5-jam stretch, Sioux City outscored CR by 11 points total, but CR outscored or tied us in the jams that they called off.

"Somebody take this star and wake me up when it's my turn again."

In the second half, CR’s jammers took the lead 7 times, and were outscored or tied by our jammer in 6 of those jams. The one exception was the jam that Rockabelle called off, where she scored a grand slam. Rockabelle, by the way, was awarded MVP for the Roller Girls. Way to go, girl!

Throughout the bout, CR played an impressively physical game. They did a lot of hitting within the pack and kept all of the Dames constantly on high-alert. While the Dames usually only hit strategically and employ a lot of zone blocking, CR’s mix-it-up style looked so awfully fun that we decided we should try it too.

Triple D tries to avoid Mrs. Hippy's butt. Seriously, it's like getting hit with a bucket full of hammers.

Needless to say, mistakes were made. At one point, Steel Bullit Stella and T-Vicious both decided simultaneously to go rogue, and just started clobbering people and collecting penalties. Then by the final jam, with Dubbs and myself in the box, Mo Payne had obviously been hit so hard that she forgot the rules. She got spun around by a solid hit and, instead of turning back in the right direction, she launched herself (in the wrong direction, mind you) at a CR blocker and landed the hit above the legal target zone.  Yeah, it was the culmination of several poor decisions, and it got her ejected from the bout.

"One time at camp, I wrestled a gator that was THIS big!" "Nuh uh, I saw that gator and it was only THIS big."

The final score was 81-250, Dames. Despite the uneven score, the bout was physically challenging and very competitive. Cedar Rapids played a great game and we had a blast with them. There were quite a few new faces since the last time we saw CR and we can’t wait to get to know them all better. Thanks to all of the Roller Girls, refs, crew and coaches for coming all the way out to little ol’ Sioux City to play with us!