In the blink of a brown eye, the first three bouts of the season are in the books (Alitteration bitches! Guess who took a poetry class!). And guess W-W-What? We start our season (best season ever?) with three wins! Here’s what happened:
The dames started out on the road, traveling to beautiful Cedar Rapids to take on the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls. Only 7 Dames could make the trip, and, I must say to the shame of my ancestors, I was not among them. That means that I can only infer the events that led to the final score of 160-116. Probably the Heldorados dominated until the last 3 minutes, when Mr. Miyagi told us that he believed in us and we made a jaw-dropping comeback, despite the best efforts of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who were throwing high roundhouse kicks from the suicide seats. Yeah, probably that’s what happened. Whatever the case may be, the Roller Dames got the W.
The next week, we held our home opener against the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys. The bout was scheduled just hours after three of the roller dames–Mo Payne, Dubbs and PBR–had finished skating across the state of Nebraska to raise funds for the MS Society. Even still, all three were on the roster, and even all skated in the first jam of the night. Mo Payne scored 57 points in 4 jams, and PBR scored 52 in just as many. Dubbs held the opposing jammer scoreless in all of her jams, as did Anita Spur. We were introduced to rookie Dame Hurricane of Awesome, who blew us all away (Get it? Because she’s a hurricane?). She jammed 6 times and scored a total of 39 points, including a 19-point jam. Felony Convixen also had a 19-pointer, adding to her total of 42 points in the bout. Despite the best efforts of Norfolk jammers Kimakazee, One Shot C and Cream Ur Soda (who had an awesome 17-point jam toward the end of the bout), the Dames won with a final score of 31-259.
Jump ahead 2 weeks and we are at home again facing the Northstar Northern Lights of Minneapolis. After getting our poop-holes stomped by Northstar’s A-team last season, we were expecting a really close bout the the B-team. And boy were we wrong! Dames defence held the Northern Lights scoreless for stretches of 6 and 7 jams in a row, while our jammers collected grand slams like they were stray cats and we were animal hoarders. When all the marbles were counted, Dubbs had 20 points with 2 grand slams; Anita Spur had 22 with 4 grand slams; Funsize had 48 points with 7 grand slams; PBR had 56 with 7 grand slams and Mo Payne scored a total of 71 points with godknowshowmany grand slams. The final was 73-219, Dames. But my award for the best derby name goes to Northstar’s Combat Booty, because, especially now, we all need to support our troops.
Not a shabby start to the best season ever. And now we all take a deep breath, let a little helium out of our skulls, and prepare to win the hell out of the Rolling Along the River tournament in October! Keep an eye on the blog for more info on that and, as always, more dated pop culture references and poop jokes!