Mayday Mayhem by Eat Schmidt

What is better than over 24hrs of team traveling, mountains, fresh air, roller derby, and an armpit hair growing contest?  Well I would have to say not much.  This past weekend the dames traveled out to Greeley Colorado to participate in the Mayday Mayhem Tournament put on by the Slaughterhouse Derby Girls.  The weekend started out with 8 eager teams from all over the US even including Hawaii competing for the coveted Mayday Mayhem Trophy.

Way to stay in bounds and get that point, Funsize! (Photo courtesy of Pixel This Photography)

The Dames first and only bout on Friday was against Pacific Roller Derby.  Even though many of us were lacking sleep and a little stiff from traveling, the team pulled ahead quickly and ended the first half with a score of 238 to 4.  At the end of the bout, the Dames had our first victory of the weekend with a score of 370 to 51.  Saturday we kept the momentum going, pulling out 2 more wins against Slaughterhouse Derby Girls with a score of 363 to 104 and Cheyenne Capidolls with a score of 372 to 79.

Sum Mo Payne gets ready to dance her way through the pack on a power jam. (Photo courtesy of Pixel This Photography)

With both games being finished early afternoon, we headed down to Denver to watch the Rocky Mountain Roller Girls take on the Minnesota Roller Girls All-star team.   The Denver bout was inspiring and fun to watch.  With derby overload, we absorbed as much derby knowledge as we could and got even more pumped up for the bouts ahead.

Anita Spur sneaks by while Dubbs, The Annihilatrix and T-Vicious pester Junction City’s jammer. (photo courtesy of Pixel This Photography)

After another restful night of sleep, the dames traveled back to the Kill Floor to finish out the tournament.  We started out Sunday morning with a bout against the Foco Girls Gone Derby, and pulled out another win with a final score of 234-100.  The final championship game pitted the Dames against Junction City Roller Dolls out of Junction City, Utah.  Junction City put up a tough fight but could not get the win.  The Dames took the championship game with a score of 299-147, and PBR brought home a well-deserved MVP trophy.

The Dames all cuddled up with the very pointy championship trophy. In other news, Anita Spur can levitate. (Photo courtesy of the Sioux City Roller Dames)

All of the Dames that traveled to Colorado this past weekend not only showed their honed skills on the track, but also played with intense passion on the track.  The Mayday Mayhem tournament treated us well with amazing reffing and announcing crews, great teams, and a fun derby filled weekend.  The Dames showed true Dames dedication by playing through injuries, equipment failures, blisters, exhaustion, altitude and the embarrassment of hairy armpits.  I am proud to be a part of this amazing team and would not change any of it.

Three W’s Down!

In the blink of a brown eye, the first three bouts of the season are in the books (Alitteration bitches! Guess who took a poetry class!). And guess W-W-What? We start our season (best season ever?) with three wins! Here’s what happened:

The dames started out on the road, traveling to beautiful Cedar Rapids to take on the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls. Only 7 Dames could make the trip, and, I must say to the shame of my ancestors, I was not among them. That means that I can only infer the events that led to the final score of 160-116. Probably the Heldorados dominated until the last 3 minutes, when Mr. Miyagi told us that he believed in us and we made a jaw-dropping comeback, despite the best efforts of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who were throwing high roundhouse kicks from the suicide seats. Yeah, probably that’s what happened. Whatever the case may be, the Roller Dames got the W.

Our head NSO, Karma Killa catches the business end of Rainbow Spite's whistle. She still hears the ringing.

We need to talk, Collision Corpse. The scary game face only works if you suppress the goofy grin.

The next week, we held our home opener against the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys. The bout was scheduled just hours after three of the roller dames–Mo Payne, Dubbs and PBR–had finished skating across the state of Nebraska to raise funds for the MS Society. Even still, all three were on the roster, and even all skated in the first jam of the night. Mo Payne scored 57 points in 4 jams, and PBR scored 52 in just as many. Dubbs held the opposing jammer scoreless in all of her jams, as did Anita Spur. We were introduced to rookie Dame Hurricane of Awesome, who blew us all away (Get it? Because she’s a hurricane?). She jammed 6 times and scored a total of 39 points, including a 19-point jam. Felony Convixen also had a 19-pointer, adding to her total of 42 points in the bout. Despite the best efforts of Norfolk jammers Kimakazee, One Shot C and Cream Ur Soda (who had an awesome 17-point jam toward the end of the bout), the Dames won with a final score of 31-259.

Our overseas guest, Tigre Force shows us how they do the Macarena in Finland...apparently the same way we do it here. Small world!

Hurricane of Awesome, recently upgraded from Tropical Storm Awesome.

Almost as rare as the Arctic Land Dolphin is Spanky Bottoms: lead jammer.

Jump ahead 2 weeks and we are at home again facing the Northstar Northern Lights of Minneapolis. After getting our poop-holes stomped by Northstar’s A-team last season, we were expecting a really close bout the the B-team. And boy were we wrong! Dames defence held the Northern Lights scoreless for stretches of 6 and 7 jams in a row, while our jammers collected grand slams like they were stray cats and we were  animal hoarders. When all the marbles were counted, Dubbs had 20 points with 2 grand slams; Anita Spur had 22 with 4 grand slams; Funsize had 48 points with 7 grand slams; PBR had 56 with 7 grand slams and Mo Payne scored a total of 71 points with godknowshowmany grand slams. The final was 73-219, Dames. But my award for the best derby name goes to Northstar’s Combat Booty, because, especially now, we all need to support our troops.

Either this was a really hard hit or these girls both just smelled a fart.

*insert Italian curses here*

Ah, Northstar's blocker fell for the old "Look! It's the Aurora Borealis!" trick!

Bust a move!

Not a shabby start to the best season ever. And now we all take a deep breath, let a little helium out of our skulls, and prepare to win the hell out of the Rolling Along the River tournament in October! Keep an eye on the blog for more info on that and, as always, more dated pop culture references and poop jokes!

Missed You Like the Dickens: Off-Season Wrap-Up

Let’s never be apart again! As you may have noticed, there has been far too little roller derby lately and that is because your dear little Roller Dames have taken a couple of months off. I’ve spent my free time climbing mountains (chaise lounge) in Argentina (my sister’s den) and rehabilitating (eating) orphaned lambs (ketchup-flavored chips).

Now that we’re all caught up on my life, let’s recap last year’s derby business. Last season went a little something like this: Win, Loss, Win, Win, Super-Win, Win, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Loss, Loss. We ended with a record of 5-6, not counting the Rolling Along the River tournament, which we totally won, so if you count that as 3 wins, that gives us a winning record of 8-6. Not too shabby! However, if you didn’t go to the same statistical analysis class as I did, you might say we had a losing record.

We closed our season with an away bout against Old Capitol City Roller Girls, which was possibly the best bout ever in the history of mankind. We lost, but we lost in grand fashion, as we are wont to do. We had a sizeable lead at halftime, then in the second half OCCRG brought it like Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku and quickly closed the gap. The lead flip-flopped a time or two, mistakes were made, Old Capitol played kick-ass derby and ultimately came out on top 124-141. It was one of those bouts that was so competitive and so fun, the loss didn’t really sting. The house was packed and every fan got to see some killer roller derby.

Your dear Dames will be back at home on Saturday, August 27, taking on the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys, then two weeks later on September 10, we  host the Northern Lights of the Twin Cities. Can’t wait that long? Come to Cedar Rapids for our season opener on August 20. It’s only like 5 hours away, not currently underwater and **bonus** most days the town smells like oatmeal. It’s a magical place and totally worth a road trip.

Stay tuned (or whatever the hell you call it when you are talking about a blog) for schedule updates and off-season shenanigans!

Shenanigans?You mean Shenanigans?Are you guys talking about Shenanigans?

Schmancy Drew and the Case of the Disappearing Mojo

Schmancy Drew, a plucky, young, mystery-solving derby girl, found herself in the Twin Cities with a mystery before her. It seemed that the Sioux City Roller Dames had lost their bout-winning mojo, and they were just about to play the North Star Supernovas (ranked #7 in the region). Had the mojo been stolen? Innocently misplaced? Did Skinnerella put it in the trunk of her car and forget about it like that gallon of milk? Schmancy Drew was determined to find out!

The first thing that Schmancy noticed was the difference in the number of players for each team; the Roller Dames were a few players short of a full roster, with only nine girls. Luckily, Stella Italiana from the Des Moines Derby Dames happened to be in town and agreed to join the Roller Dames for the bout. Still, this left the Dames with only 3 jammers, compared to North Star’s 10.

After the first few jams, the Roller Dames were scoreless, while North Star put up grand slam after grand slam. Then Dames jammer, Sum Mo Payne, got lead status, scored one point, and called off the jam. Could this be a glimpse of the mojo Schmancy had been searching for?

That solitary point seemed terribly lonely on the scoreboard all by itself, but no other points wanted to join it. Maybe, Schmancy thought, they were frightened of all of the GHOST POINTS on North Star’s side of the scoreboard.  Ghost points are awarded for players on the opposing team who are in the penalty box when the jammer clears the pack. And golly, did Sioux City give out the ghost points–123 total for the bout! Maybe, thought Schmancy, the Roller Dames’ mojo was hidden under the penalty box chairs.

The teams retired to their locker rooms at the half with a score of 24-133, North Star. The Roller Dames were down, but not quite defeated. As Schmancy scoured the locker room for clues–and bananas– the Dames decided that they really ought to stop committing penalties, or at the very least cut back to half-a-pack a day. Unfortunately, Felony Convixen, who had suffered a knee injury during the first half, would not be able to return to the bout. Was the mojo hidden inside Felony’s knee cartilage?

The Dames retook the track, determined to play and have fun, mojo or nojo. And much to Schmancy’s surprise, the Roller Dames’ illusive mojo had returned of it’s own accord! The Dames got lead jammer status in the first 6 jams of the second half, and had lead a total of 13 times in the half, opposed to North Star’s 7. During the second half, the Dames defense was able to slow down the opposing jammer, only allowing 52 points.

The second half was a completely different bout–except that it was the same bout and the ridiculously uneven score from the first half was factored in. Dames’ jammers took lead about 2/3 of the time and scored 40 points. Though North Star still outscored the Roller Dames (40-52 in the half), the Dames had made it a competitive and interesting bout, far more interesting than the final score of 64-185 would lead you to believe.

Some notable highlights for North Star: Katarina Hit scored a total of 41 points in the bout; six North Star jammers had 20+ points totals; they pretty much, all-around kicked ass. Roller Dames high points: Stella Italiana scored 33 points and got lead jammer in 12 of 17 jams; Mo Payne scored 23 (including that tricky first point) and got lead in half of her jams; Dubbs got lead in half of her jams and had the lowest points scored/points allowed differential; Skinnerella got laid smooth out on the track and when she opened her eyes she thought Natalie Portman was kneeling over her, stroking her face…turned out it was just ref. Rainbow Spite, but still it was pretty great for a second there.

And so Schmancy Drew had laid to rest the case of the missing mojo–it was in the locker room, apparently, stuffed into the bottom of one of the smelly skate bags. Now that the Roller Dames have it back, they’re going to put a shock collar on it and lock it up in a pen out behind the landfill, only bringing it out when they need it.

Schmancy would like to thank the North Star Supernovas, the Twin Cities Terrors for hosting us and all of the fans, volunteers and refs for coming out. It was a great night!

Sioux City vs. Sioux Falls: A Brief Post-mortem

You know how I usually squeeze a bunch of stats into these blogs? Well, after waiting a while to get a look at the stats from our last bout, I decided that the final score really tells us all that we need to know. The Sioux Falls Roller Dollz won, 227-35. We were murdered–murdered, dismembered and and thrown into the river. Now that all of our body parts have washed ashore, we’re ready to put them back together (probably more along the lines of Frankenstein than The 6 Million Dollar Man).

So here’s what happened, to the best of my recollection. After the first few jams, Sioux Falls had established a commanding lead and had held us scoreless. We’re not accustomed to this happening and basically, we all lost our damn minds.  I was yelling, Dubbs was collecting penalties, Mo was laughing maniacally, Funsize was darting around frantically like a rabbit without a hole and I’m pretty sure our bench coach, The Rodster, was crying.

While we were busy forgetting how to play roller derby, the Dollz were–guess what–PLAYING ROLLER DERBY. They played a really great bout, as you may have gathered from the score. They are an incredibly strong team and we learned quite a lot from them.

The Dames did have a few notable highlights from the bout. Funsize and Mo each had a grand slam and, between the two of them, scored nearly all of our 35 points.  The team penalties were really something to be proud of, with our entire team only committing 25 minors and 15 majors (and, to be fair, about half of those were Dubbs , while the Dollz had 42 minors and 20 majors. It’s a small victory, but, hey it’s something to be proud of.

During the last jam of the game, Funsize decided that she would have a little fun and, instead of trying to score any points (which would have been pointless), she just blocked the opposing jammer, keeping her scoreless as well. This was, by far, the most entertaining jam of the game, as far as our bench was concerned, anyway.

At the end of the night, we didn’t win…not even CLOSE. But we had a great time and have since been working on the weaknesses that were so clearly brought into the open during this bout. We thank the Dollz and the town of Brookings for hosting this awesome evening of roller derby.

Hey, Remember When We Played Fargo? Yeah, Me Neither.

But I promise it did happen. Two weeks ago, which is like 15 years in blog-time. Some might say I dropped the ball on this one, but the fact is I just set the ball aside for a bit; a gal can only handle so many balls at one time.

Why is everyone falling down? And what happened to my jar of rendered goose fat?

First, let me remind you of how awesome the Fargo-Moorhead Derby Girls are. We played them twice during last year’s Rolling Along the River Tournament and both bouts were crazy-fun, competitive and exciting for both players and spectators. The Roller Dames barely eked out wins against them in the tournament, all the while, the Fargo ladies displayed great sportsmanship, positive attitudes and impossibly high alcohol tolerances. Also, they wear these super-cute sparkly blue uniforms, which I just love.

Team Paramedic, Waste 'em Kate, thinks we ought to give peace a chance, while Mr. McClennan wonders, "Two? Two what?".

We expected another very close and challenging bout when they came back to town for our home closer, and that’s just what we got. Fargo leapt out to an early lead, scoring three grand slams and some change in the first four jams, leaving the score 24-2 going into jam 5. Our bench coaches, Mo Captain and the Rodster started prying our heads out of our asses and got us back into the game after a short timeout. During the remainderof the first half, the Roller Dames took lead jammer status 15 out of 19 times and held Fargo to very few points. We broke for halftime with the score 39-64, Dames.

T-Vicious, Dubbs and Mo Payne are harder to pass than a Chinese math class.

White Tiger Martial Arts did a really cool demo during halftime where this little girl wiped the floor with a boy who was trying to take her purse, so now I know what NOT to do next time I mug a small child.

"That's my purse! I don't know you!"

We took the track for the second half, confident that we had gotten our heads into the game. Then this happened: the Roller Dames were held scoreless for a stretch of five jams, while Fargo’s Sarin Dipity, Sin Gria, Skaty Gaga and Shock Therapy combined to score 42 points, snatching the lead as quickly and easily as I snatch little girls’ purses.

Though it looks like Mo is giving Dubbs a good, hard whip, she is actually in the process of flinging her to the ground so she can take back her leggings.

All of the things we did right in the first half, Fargo did righter in the second. They were awarded lead 11 of 19 jams and called it off nearly every time, holding us to few or no points. Mo Payne, Funsize, Dubbs and Felony Convixen continued to put up points for the Roller Dames, but we were never quite able to close the gap. At the buzzer, the final score was 144-110, Fargo.

This photo was taken seconds before The Annihilatrix turned green, shredded her boutfit and started smashing things. Skip ahead, skip ahead, we all learned a little something about human fragility and Bill Bixby walked proudly into the sunset.

Although I probably should have felt worse about the loss, Fargo is such a great team, I was honestly having too much fun to kick myself. And after our last two bouts where the score got ridiculously out of hand, I realize that I’d rather lose a close bout than win a blowout any day. Thanks a million to all of the players, coaches and volunteers who came down from Fargo; we can’t wait to do it again!

Does everyone look this cool when they call off a jam, or is it just Mo Payne?

Mid Iowa Rollers Mix-A-Lot!

So on Saturday night the Mid Iowa Rollers found out what happens when you invite girls from 8 different teams to come skate together. A bitchin’ super-terrific derby fun time is what! Seriously, this was such an awesome opportunity for us to play with new girls and girls you don’t get to see too often. For the sake of full disclosure, I should tell you that I don’t really remember anything that happened. I mean, I can probably get within the ballpark of the score, but beyond that, everything you’ll read in the following paragraphs is made up. Big fat lies. Enjoy!

The bout was divided into three periods–two 25-minute periods and one 30-minute–with a different set of players in each period. Members of the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, Dakota City Demolition Crew, Eastern Iowa Outlaws, Oskaloosa Mayhem Girls, Old Capital City Roller Girls, Muddy River Nightmares, Quad City Rollers, Sioux City Roller Dames and, of course, Mid Iowa Rollers split into black shirts and white shirts and got down to business. FUNNY BUSINESS, that is.

For the white team, Bamf from Oskaloosa scored pretty close to 1000 points, luckily Toothy Hilt (Cedar Rapids) activated her rocket skates and scored 2000 points for the black team. T-Vicious (Sioux City) hit the black teams jammer so hard, her head flew off and landed in the lap of a teenage boy. He had to be carried out of the skating rink, wrapped in a blanket, all the while  sobbing, “This is the nearest I shall ever come to knowing the tender love of a woman!”

The score was close after the first period–within about a thousand or so–and even closer at the end of the third (for true, I think a one-point bout at that point). Then me and all the other SERIOUS ATHLETES took the track for the third period [author's note: all caps indicate sarcasm. or yelling. you figure it out, GENIUS]. First, Deja Deadwards blew an ancient tune on her enchanted whistle and summoned her flying unicorn, Lawrence. Deja and Lawrence went on to score over 600 points.

Mid Iowa Amazons, Anna Killakova and Lolli Popya made the white team look like tiny ants while they held the pack and scored, oh, I don’t know, let’s say a jillion points. After the dust settled and the trusted NSO’s had tallied the points, the score was 137ish-97ish, white team. Though we were kind of all winners, mostly because my team–the black team–did not understand the scoreboard and  thought we were winning for most of the period.

Other highlights of the evening include The Oppressor bringing swagger and bravado to the position of jam timer; Wonton Hammer performing Master of the House from Les Mis while pivoting; and the concession lady showering the winning team with soft pretzels, while splattering the losers with dipping-cheese. Then while Sum Mo Payne was heatedly disputing a call with Rainbow Spite, their eyes met, and their impassioned argument turned to just plain ‘ passion.

Yeah, that was pretty much what happened. Totally worth the drive. Thanks to the Mid Iowa Rollers for putting this awesome event together!

SCRD vs CRRG: The Ugly Duckling Hits Puberty

There are those bouts that start out ugly–I mean, nasty, sloppy, penalty-laden, hideously ugly play–but then the players will work out their nerves, clean up their play and the ugly duckling will grow into a beautiful swan. Then there are bouts like Saturday’s against the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, where that awkward little duck grew into something like this:

Sketch artist's rendering

Here’s what happened, to the best of my recollection: The first jam was a quick one. Funsize got the lead with AJ Renegade right on her tail feathers. Both jammers scored 2 points before F called the jam. Then things started to get out of hand. Mo Payne scored 10, followed by 20 from PBR and another 10 from Funsize; meanwhile, CR jammers didn’t manage to complete their initial pass through the pack and stayed scoreless while Sioux City snatched the lead, stuffed it into our sports bra and ran away with it.

Mo: "I wasn't pushing her down, I was reaching out to keep her from falling." And some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.

Then in the 6th jam, things started looking up for CR. Jacquee Da Ripper won lead jammer (the first of the game for CR) and put up 12 points, outscoring the Dames by 6. Then a few jams later, Toothy Hilt (favorite name! Seriously, say it out loud. It’s like that Mad Gab game!) got the lead and scored 8 unanswered points, while our little Dubbs was sent to the box to think about what she did (cutting the track).

Funsize, we already told you, you're too old to be on the dance team, no matter how sweet your windmill move is.

Even these impressive jams, though, only brought CR to within 50 points of the lead. PBR had decided that if she was going to go to all the trouble of getting up out of her comfy chair, she might as well score tons of points while she was up. By the end of the night, she had three 20+ point jams, and a total of 90 points in the bout. So if the score looked lopsided at the half–35-123–you can pretty much blame all of that on PBR.

These tiny dancers were so adorable! I just wanted to take one or two of them home with me, but the words "kidnapping" and "unlawful enslavement of a minor" get thrown around a lot these days.

It is sometimes hard to evaluate what causes a bout to go well for one team and poorly for another. Certainly here penalties were a factor, but after looking at the score sheets, another HUGE factor that determined the score in this bout was lead jammer status AND strategically calling off the jam. Toward the end of the first half, CR’s jammer took the lead 5 times in a row, but only called the jam two of those times. During this 5-jam stretch, Sioux City outscored CR by 11 points total, but CR outscored or tied us in the jams that they called off.

"Somebody take this star and wake me up when it's my turn again."

In the second half, CR’s jammers took the lead 7 times, and were outscored or tied by our jammer in 6 of those jams. The one exception was the jam that Rockabelle called off, where she scored a grand slam. Rockabelle, by the way, was awarded MVP for the Roller Girls. Way to go, girl!

Throughout the bout, CR played an impressively physical game. They did a lot of hitting within the pack and kept all of the Dames constantly on high-alert. While the Dames usually only hit strategically and employ a lot of zone blocking, CR’s mix-it-up style looked so awfully fun that we decided we should try it too.

Triple D tries to avoid Mrs. Hippy's butt. Seriously, it's like getting hit with a bucket full of hammers.

Needless to say, mistakes were made. At one point, Steel Bullit Stella and T-Vicious both decided simultaneously to go rogue, and just started clobbering people and collecting penalties. Then by the final jam, with Dubbs and myself in the box, Mo Payne had obviously been hit so hard that she forgot the rules. She got spun around by a solid hit and, instead of turning back in the right direction, she launched herself (in the wrong direction, mind you) at a CR blocker and landed the hit above the legal target zone.  Yeah, it was the culmination of several poor decisions, and it got her ejected from the bout.

"One time at camp, I wrestled a gator that was THIS big!" "Nuh uh, I saw that gator and it was only THIS big."

The final score was 81-250, Dames. Despite the uneven score, the bout was physically challenging and very competitive. Cedar Rapids played a great game and we had a blast with them. There were quite a few new faces since the last time we saw CR and we can’t wait to get to know them all better. Thanks to all of the Roller Girls, refs, crew and coaches for coming all the way out to little ol’ Sioux City to play with us!

Dames vs. Kornstalkers: Whatever Happens, Dude, Just Don’t Get a Boner in the Pack.

I don’t know how y’all celebrate Valentine’s Day, but, traditionally, I like to sweat it up with a bunch of big, hairy, tattooed-up dudes. Luckily, this year, I happened to be playing roller derby against the Kornstalkers, who fit the bill perfectly. Ooohh, I’ve gotta remember to take down that Craigslist ad.

Awww, they're so sweet, I could just sop 'em up with a biscuit!

The Kornstalkers are Sioux City’s brand new men’s roller derby team, who will be playing their first “for real, for real” bout this upcoming Saturday against Des Moines’ Your Mom men’s derby team. So, to help them prepare, the Roller Dames graciously agreed to play a scrimmage with them and “get ‘em broke in right”, as my horse trainer/gynecologist always says.

Really, who wouldn't want to just stay behind us?

Dames established a small lead early in the bout and slowly widened the gap with a series of 4 and 5-point jams. The Kornstalker jammer, The Rodster scored 13 points in a single jam, while your humble narrator, Skinnerella, only scored 4. What can I say, I just make men want to skate away from me really, really fast. That jam swung the score back in the Kornstalkers’ direction, allowing them to take a slim 26-24 lead.

The Rodster: "So this is what all those guys at my high school meant when they were talking about scoring!"

Then we all collectively decided that we weren’t gonna have none of that mess, and pulled decisively back into the lead, leaving the score 41-67 at halftime. The halftime performance featured Mo Payne and Dubbs changing their shirts when they thought no one was looking, as the two swapped out Kornstalker bench-coaching duty.

Stella kicks The Kracken while he's down.

Back on the track in the second half, Dames scored 4 points in the first jam, then hit a drought, the likes of which had not been seen round these parts since the dust bowl. We were held completely scoreless for the next five jams, while the Kornstalkers put up a combined 26 points, bringing them within three itsy-bitsy points of the lead, 68-71.

The other Stalkers look on as Speed Trap gets to know Mizfit's sharp, little shoulder.

But then this happened: Mo Payne took the jam line against Spyder Rodriguez, who promptly went to the penalty box after scoring only 2 points. Mo went on to score 15 in that jam, teaching her little derby ducklings an important lesson and bringing the score soundly into our favor. The official final score for the scrimmage was 91-111, Dames.

Knockin' Bones makes keeping a pack of women in check look easy.

Some honorable mentions for the Stalkers: The Rodster had the highest total points with 32, please hold you applause. Spyder followed closely with 25 total points. And let’s not forget our little kamikaze, Speed Trap, who put up 18 points. Tripod (ha haaa, I just got his name!) scored two grand slams in his only jam.

We are, as always, gracious and demure winners.

For the Dames, Mo (who only played in the second half, mind you) scored 30 points, along with Steel Bullitt Stella. Little ol’ me scored 21, mostly through trickery and idle threats, but points are points. FYI: it isn’t against the rules for me to lie and tell you that you are out of play, when you are, in fact, not. And I don’t know how often this will come up outside of coed play, but when someone says: “Hey! That’s my nipple!” you really just have to ignore it and keep blocking.

Here I'm telling Banzai Bo that if he hits me too hard, I'll get pregnant.

The Dames all had a kick-ass time playing with our derby baby brothers. And just remember: we hit you because we love you so much.

Roller Dames vs. Bruizin’ Bettys: Before You Call Me an A-Hole, Just Let Me Explain.

Let me start this blog with a few words about love, family and growth. You see, the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys are like our little derby sisters. The team has only been around for a few months and, being so nearby, many players and refs from our team have practiced, scrimmaged and played with them. We love our little sisters. We want to teach them all about how to put on lipstick and tease their hair, but when Mom and Dad are at the boat show and our boyfriend comes over to make out with us in the basement, we might yell and throw a flip-flop at our little sisters, but we don’t mean it. We still love them.

 

See! They're giving us fives...or tiny slaps.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong, none of us threw any footwear at any of the Bettys–that would be uncalled for–but we did kinda beat the tar out of them at roller derby on Saturday. Derby years, you must understand, are like dog years; the Dames have been around for three years, so that makes us 21 in derby years, whereas the Bettys have only been around for 6 months, making them about three and a half. So, viewing the match-up in those terms, it is not so terribly appalling that we outscored the Bettys by 322 points.

 

Mo Payne and Danger Girl see who can make the sillier face. These gals are quadruple threats!

 

Both teams used the bout as a learning/teaching experience. Dames put out several rookie jammers (ahem, your humble narrator included) and tried out some fun whips.

 

Lil' Mizfit gets a whip from PBR that sends her halfway to Funkytown.

 

Felony Convixen and I popped our jammer cherries together, with Felony scoring a total of 28 points in 4 jams. My numbers were not so impressive; I was just so excited to get lead jammer that I just called off the jam real quick so I could go brag to my buddies.

 

Some people will tell you that it is important to keep your eyes open and your tongue in your mouth while jamming. I beg to differ.

 

Lil’ Mizfit and Triple D both got a little more used to wearing the star, with Mizfit putting up two 19-point jams and one 9 pointer. Triple D, not to be outdone in bra size or scoring, rang up a 19 and 20-point jam. Steel Bullitt Stella, recently back from a long hiatus, found that the ol’ jammer panty still fit, putting 29 points on the board in three jams. And let’s not forget that The “I’ll-never-jam-so-stop-asking-me” Annihilatrix even took a turn at the jam line, putting up 8 points and shutting out the opposing jammer.

 

Here we observe a rare photograph of The Annihilatrix jamming. Behold the myth. Believe the legend.

 

The Bettys played a great bout and showed huge promise and skill on the track. They played a pretty clean bout, with only 33 total penalty minutes for the whole team. If that sounds like a lot, just recall some of the Dames early bouts, when Mo Payne and PBR spent so much time sitting in the box that the penalty timers embroidered personalized hemmoroid pillows for them.

 

Felony Convixen and Go Go Gadgit were neck and neck until Gadgit activated her Go-Go-Gadgit copter and flew over the entire pack!

 

Bruizin’ Bettys’ jammer Go Go Gadgit sported the jammer star seven times during the bout and put up a total of 14 points, including one grand slam. Danger Girl scored two grand slams in one jam near the end of the first half.

 

Miss Ruthless gets past all those other Dames only to find PBR's buns of steel waiting for her.

In the second half, things went from rough to rougher for the Bettys. Up until the next to last jam, the Bettys’ only scored 4 lonely points in the half. Then Cream Ur Soda had a solid 7-point jam; Miss Ruthless added a few more points in the final jam of the bout, but, alas, it was not quite enough to close the 300-some-odd-point gap.

 

 

Go Go Gadgit gets past the pack and promptly thanks God, her talented director and the Academy.

The Bruizin’ Bettys played a good game and showed remarkable skill considering that this was only their third real bout. They were, as always, gracious, kind and kick-ass hostesses. Keep being your bad-ass selves, ladies, and you’ll be  roller derby goddesses in no time!