So on Saturday night the Mid Iowa Rollers found out what happens when you invite girls from 8 different teams to come skate together. A bitchin’ super-terrific derby fun time is what! Seriously, this was such an awesome opportunity for us to play with new girls and girls you don’t get to see too often. For the sake of full disclosure, I should tell you that I don’t really remember anything that happened. I mean, I can probably get within the ballpark of the score, but beyond that, everything you’ll read in the following paragraphs is made up. Big fat lies. Enjoy!
The bout was divided into three periods–two 25-minute periods and one 30-minute–with a different set of players in each period. Members of the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, Dakota City Demolition Crew, Eastern Iowa Outlaws, Oskaloosa Mayhem Girls, Old Capital City Roller Girls, Muddy River Nightmares, Quad City Rollers, Sioux City Roller Dames and, of course, Mid Iowa Rollers split into black shirts and white shirts and got down to business. FUNNY BUSINESS, that is.
For the white team, Bamf from Oskaloosa scored pretty close to 1000 points, luckily Toothy Hilt (Cedar Rapids) activated her rocket skates and scored 2000 points for the black team. T-Vicious (Sioux City) hit the black teams jammer so hard, her head flew off and landed in the lap of a teenage boy. He had to be carried out of the skating rink, wrapped in a blanket, all the while sobbing, “This is the nearest I shall ever come to knowing the tender love of a woman!”
The score was close after the first period–within about a thousand or so–and even closer at the end of the third (for true, I think a one-point bout at that point). Then me and all the other SERIOUS ATHLETES took the track for the third period [author's note: all caps indicate sarcasm. or yelling. you figure it out, GENIUS]. First, Deja Deadwards blew an ancient tune on her enchanted whistle and summoned her flying unicorn, Lawrence. Deja and Lawrence went on to score over 600 points.
Mid Iowa Amazons, Anna Killakova and Lolli Popya made the white team look like tiny ants while they held the pack and scored, oh, I don’t know, let’s say a jillion points. After the dust settled and the trusted NSO’s had tallied the points, the score was 137ish-97ish, white team. Though we were kind of all winners, mostly because my team–the black team–did not understand the scoreboard and thought we were winning for most of the period.
Other highlights of the evening include The Oppressor bringing swagger and bravado to the position of jam timer; Wonton Hammer performing Master of the House from Les Mis while pivoting; and the concession lady showering the winning team with soft pretzels, while splattering the losers with dipping-cheese. Then while Sum Mo Payne was heatedly disputing a call with Rainbow Spite, their eyes met, and their impassioned argument turned to just plain ‘ passion.
Yeah, that was pretty much what happened. Totally worth the drive. Thanks to the Mid Iowa Rollers for putting this awesome event together!