Is there anything, anyplace, anytime better than roller derby on a Saturday night? Seriously. It has everything: beautiful women with their giant thighs, vicious hits, the real possibility that you will see someone get hurt and, of course, the soothing aroma of derby girls, a smell that calls to mind the safety and comfort of living inside a giant’s sweaty belly button. Yes, my friends, we had all of these wonders and more at the Roller Dames’ home opener on Saturday night. We hosted the Muddy River Nightmares of Clinton, IA, joined by one of the finest specimens in the derby world, Lolli Popya, of the Mid Iowa Rollers.
Lolli Popya going after Funsize’s hidden pirate treasure—BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY!
The Dames jumped out to an early lead, with Dubbs and Funsize scoring 17 unanswered points in the first two jams. While we all thumb-pecked “OMG we are sooo awesome” into our Droids, Lolli Popya and Syphiliz scored 12 points, while the Muddy River blockers shut the Dames offense down. Luckily PBR reminded us that we were playing roller derby when she scored 22 points in the next jam. Meanwhile, behind the façade of this innocent looking legal aide attorney, The Annihialatrix knocked the pee pee out of Muddy River jammer, Ooton.
Dames D-ttt (that’s a fence, y’all) kept Muddy River scoreless through the next five jams while Dubbs rung up a 20-point jam and PBR had another excellent 15-point jam. PBR and Dubbs were all over Muddy River like freckles on Dave Mustane’s bottom, outscoring the opposing jammers by 53 and 52 points, respectively. When they took their jammer panties off, these two were crushing (mostly legally) the Muddy River jammers.
PBR and Funsize make a jammer sammich.
For Muddy River, Ooton and Lolli Popya both scored 14-point jams. Lolli Popya scored a total of 72 points in the game, with 8 grand slams. Krystallica, who scored 37 total points, had her shoulder up in everyone’s business, blowing holes in the red wall. I named my blue-speckled butt cheek Krystallica Jr., after its daddy.
Dames had a comfortable lead at the half, with a score of 160-91. Maybe we ate too many bananas, maybe we didn’t get our underpants back on straight, whatever the case, we had a rough start in the second half, getting shut out 5 of the first 6 jams. Luckily, Dubbs, Felony and Spanky Bottoms took up the slack and kept the Muddy River jammers under control.
Bam Bam rides MRN jammer side-saddle.
We steadily stretched our lead through the second half, but Muddy River kept it competitive and exciting. Lolli Popya was everywhere and nowhere, blocking Sum Mo Payne at the back of the pack, disappearing, then reappearing at the front of the pack to block her again; it was like there was a wrinkle in the matrix.
Dames’ Lil’ Mizfit, who hadn’t jammed during the bout, went in as jammer in the final minute and put up twenty-m-f-ing-one points! Really! 21! It was nuts. It was insanity. It was the second-largest scoring swing in the entire bout. I sure hope Mizfit likes shiny stars, because I think she’ll be wearing them a lot more often.
No one quite understands the mysterious rituals of the ancient ref meeting.
The final score was 260-155, Dames. The Muddy River Nightmares, despite being a relatively young team, played clean and solid roller derby throughout. They are a team that will, no doubt, get stronger with every bout that they play and I, for one, can’t wait to play them again. Thanks to all of the ladies and gents of Muddy River for coming all the way out to our side of the state.
**You may have noticed that this blog was teeming with numbers and stats, despite the fact that mama’s little bumpkin can’t count to 20 with her shoes on. You can thank my husband and life-long abacus, who took detailed notes. Nothing is sexier than skillful note-taking.