Meet the Kornstalkers! They’re MANtastic!

Have you met these guys yet? Not only are they all perfectly charming and devastatingly handsome, I heard that one of them can jump over lampposts and another one can melt Hershey’s kisses with his mind! Well, that’s what I heard, anyway. You can find out for yourself at one of their two upcoming recruiting nights.

All of my favorite rollerdudes will be at the Icky Nickel on Friday, November 5 and Friday, November 12 from 7-11 pm. They’ll be looking for a few good (or at least okay) men and women who are interested in skating, reffing or volunteering. They can put you in touch with a skate dealer (they know a guy who can get the best stuff), tell you a little something about quad skating and teach you all about the game of roller derby.

If you can’t make it to either recruiting night, you can email kornstalkers@hotmail.com or post a comment here.

Yes, Virginia, there WILL be T-shirts available!

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Rolling Along the River Three: The Three is Short for Threeeelling!

Yesterday’s Rolling Along the River tourney was a day of learning and playing, of light snacks and heavy hits. After 16 hours of derby, merby and ferby (that’s f-ing-awesome derby) I’ve learned three things about myself: 1. If I’m hungry enough, I’ll steal McNuggets 2. I’m not above crying when a hoss of a man skates over my hands 3. I’m incapable of looking cool while wearing a mouthgaurd, but then, so is everyone else. If you weren’t there, you should probably start weeping silently right now, because there’s no way that I could recreate the eyeball-melting, tongue-exploding, nosehair-curling derby action with this simple medium. I can, however, tell you all that I remember, which isn’t much; I think I had my bandana cinched too tightly.

Excuse me, sir.

The first round of Women’s derby went a little something like this:

Rushmore had a bye, as the team they were scheduled to play was not able to make it to the tournament. Fargo-Moorhead played the first bout of the morning against fledgling team, Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys. In an important learning experience, Fargo beat the feathers off Norfolk 156-15. Next up for the ladies was Mississippi Valley Mayhem taking on my favorite team, the Sioux City Roller Dames. T-Vicious, who was also Dames’ MVP for the day, showed us all that she has lost her milk teeth when she KABLAMMMED Mississippi Valley’s jammer with a perfect and clean hit, preventing a grand slam. Dames came out on top with a score of 118-48. Next up was Babe City Rollers vs. Harbor City Roller Dames. I have to be honest. I was off having a snack during this bout and missed almost all of it, but I can tell you that various events transpired, actions were taken and responses were made and at the buzzer, the score was 79-40, Babe City. Thus ended round 1 of the double elimination women’s tournament.

Babe City and Harbor City jammers compare leggings.

Meanwhile, there were all these dudes in tight pants hanging around and someone told me they were there to play roller derby. The men played a round-robin style tournament, each team playing all of the others. Let me first point out a few nuanced differences between merby and women’s derby. Testicles are a factor, particularly when falling, but also when choosing one’s derby name. Some of my favorites include: Egor Toboneya, Craven Moorehead, One Nate Stand and Johnny Pocket Rocket. Also, men’s derby usually keeps a faster pace with more jumping and less booty blocking (for obvious reasons).

The best part of merby? The awkward pictures.

First up, Race City Rebels took on Rock City Riot. Quadzilla, of Rock City, besides making all the 8-wheeled ladies swoon, made some baffling moves on the track, spinning and jumping like Michelle Kwan and hitting like [insert good offensive lineman here]. Rock City edged out Race City 77-67. Next, Twin City Terrors took on short-stacked Milwaukee Blitzdkrieg. Though they usually save their whoring for off the track, a few of Sioux City’s own man-refs whored on with Milwaukee. Terrors were impervious to the blitz and won handily 117-29.

Sometimes a man just needs the strength and security that can only be found in the embrace of another man.

Back in the women’s world of cooking, cleaning and beating the tar out of each other, Fargo took on Rushmore in round 2 of the winner’s bracket, winning 101-6. Sioux City faced Babe City in round 2 and came away with our second win of the day, outscoring Babe City 107-77. Sioux City and Fargo advanced to the semifinals, earning ourselves a nice, long nap break.

The medics take a well-deserved lollipop break.

The one-loss bracket moved into round 2 with Harbor City taking on Rushmore in a real butt-clencher of a bout. Harbor city took a slim lead in the last two minutes, then with Harbor City’s jammer in the box, Rushmore came back to win it in the final jam. Babe City defeated Mississippi Valley 71-19 and advanced to the next round to take on Rushmore.

There is no caption that could make this better.

Round three of the winner’s bracket pitted Fargo against Sioux City in a bout so exciting that I think I peed in my boutfit just a little. SC and Fargo swapped the lead throughout the 30-minutes of play. Fargo Jammer, Shock Therapy was only exacerbating our melancholia, while SC blocker/jammer, Dubbs was handing out can-openers like Halloween candy. With only seconds left on the clock, the last jam started with the score 40-36, Fargo. PBR took lead jammer, made one pass for a grand slam then called it off, bringing the score to 40-41, Sioux City.

That'll do, PBR, that'll do.

After their first 3 bouts, Babe City had lost several players to injury and work schedules, leaving them with only 5 players able to bout. They didn’t take on any outside players, so the mens teams that were scheduled to play the next bout suited up, expecting Babe City to forfeit. But these babes didn’t quit. They played Rushmore with only one line, never leaving the track, swapping helmet panties on the fly. At first, everyone was cheering for their moxy and character, but then we were cheering because they were actually winning. I felt like I was watching an inspirational montage in a movie about an underdog roller derby team. Babe City took the bout 107-58.

Babe city wins!

Back in the testosterone-fueled world of merby, Race City took on the TC Terrors. After their first narrow loss to Rock City, Race City made another impressive-but-not-winning showing against the Twin Cities team, losing 51-72. Next up, Rock City took on Milwaukee, beating them by more than 100 points with a final score of 125-21. In the match-up between Race City and Milwaukee, Race City came out ahead 155-23…okay, way ahead.

Johnny Pocket Rocket tries to back Quadzilla back into the pack. It would've been really cool if it had worked.

The men’s championship pitted Rock City against the TC Terrors. I was torn apart, not knowing who to cheer. On the one hand, you’ve got Quadzilla doing headstands and whirling around skaters like stripper poles and on the other you have my new derby crush; I won’t say who it is, but I will tell you that he likes to tend rabbits and pet puppies, but sometimes he just pets too hard. These guys played an incredibly exciting bout, with TC coming out on top 115-42. But I say, when you have that many men rolling around in tight shorts, everybody wins.

A Drewraffe in its natural habitat.

Babe city, after their heroic win in the third round of the one-loss bracket, was not up for the semifinal game against Fargo. They forfeited, advancing Fargo to the Final bout against Sioux City. The first Fargo-SC bout had been so close, that we all knew not to go counting our baby crocodiles before they hatched. It was nearing 11:00 when we took the track, so none of us were quite as fresh and spry as we had been 14 hours earlier. Our fatigue manifested itself in the form of penalties; it’s just SO hard not to cut the track and trip people when you’re sleepy. Both teams spent plenty of time in the box, but Fargo definitely out-naughtied SC, giving us the advantage. At the buzzer, the score was 72-45, Sioux City. This end was not nearly as climactic as our earlier bout against Fargo, but we were glad to have to opportunity to play this awesome team again.

They stopped hugging, but remained adhered to one another with derby funk.

We’d like to thank everyone who came all the way out to little ol’ Sioux City and spent the weekend playing, watching, reffing, NSO-ing, volunteering, cheering and smelling us. We can’t wait to do it again next year!

We're all winners! Sioux City is just more of a winner.

Updated Brackets and Schedule for Rolling Along the River 3

Sioux City Roller Dames vs. Des Moines Derby Dames: How to Catch a Saucy Noodle and Craft a Confusing Metaphor

When you talk about roller derby secret weapons, you usually think of things like a big ol’ hoss who is blindingly fast or a puny little thing that can block like nobody’s business. You never expect the cupcake, though. M.O.A.B., Des Moines Derby Dames blocker and lead cupcakist, left these stealthily placed butter cream bombs right in our locker room, where we had no choice but to eat six or seven of them apiece, right before the bout.

Despite bellies laden with cupcakes, the Roller Dames persevered, jumping out to a 9-0 lead, after the first two jams. Dames and Dames swapped the lead several times during the first half, with D3 racking up lots of quick scores and Sioux City playing our feast-or-famine style of derby, putting up 0 points in one jam then 18 in the next.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

It may look, to the casual observer, like PBR is trying to toot on Show Stopper, but I’m 60-65% sure she was just blocking her.

D3 made up some major ground when they put Stella Italiana in to jam 4 in a row, bringing the score to 43-44. If you’ve never seen Stella jam, let me try to describe it for you with a little help from my good friend, Chef Boyardee. With her slight build, Stella looks like the spaghetti noodle that snuck into the beef ravioli can. She is as slippery as a spaghetti-o and harder to catch than the last meatball floating around in the sauce. Oh, and did I tell you she leaps? There’s no fitting canned pasta metaphor here, homegirl’s just got mad hops.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

Stella Italiana bookin’ it like the Visigoths are after her.

With D3 only one point shy of a tie, PBR lined up to jam, ringing up 23 (What!?) points and giving Sioux City a 20 point lead. Sioux City proceeded to only score one more point over the next 5 jams, allowing D3 to claw their way back (not literally, they were all really lovely girls). We retired to the locker room with the score 65-68, Roller Dames.

During halftime, D3 introduced us all to their new team, the Crash Test Dolls. We were so happy for our fellow dames and their new expansion team, that we decided we should eat some more cupcakes to celebrate.

Fueled by chocolate and oh-so-creamy frosting, we again took the floor. In the first jam of the second half, D3 pitted Elbow Macfearson (winner of my favorite name honor, after someone explained it to me) against Funsize. Elbow eked out a 3 point lead before calling the jam. Next up for Sioux City was PBR who again put up a big number (14) and pulled our team back into the lead. After a couple of solid jams by Cosmo Disco, D3 had again tied the score, paving the way for Stella Italiana to snatch the lead back for Des Moines. Well then, of course Sum Mo Payne said, “Gaw-lee, y’all! It’s not that hard! Just score more points than them!” So she did; putting up 12 and outscoring D3 by 7.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

Mo: “If I contort my face just right, I can get past anybody.”

Dames’ jammers, Mo, Dubbs, PBR and Funsize hung on to that lead like it was the last parachute on a plummeting airplane. Meanwhile Sioux City’s blockers had finally figured out how to manage Stella Italiana. Through the first half, we just couldn’t manage to get ahold of her. Our 2 and 2 blocking and even 3-walls still left her plenty of space to get by. So we built a 4-wall; eight of our big ol’ butt cheeks lined up like pretty maids all in a row, proved impenetrable, well, relatively so. Felony Convixxen, The Annihilatrix and Dubbs realized that it was not impossible to knock Stella off of her skates, exceedingly difficult, yes, but not impossible.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

A rare picture of Stella Italiana NOT on her skates.

Stella Italiana put up 79 of D3’s 145 total points, but the bout was by no means “The Stella Show”. D3 jammers, Minnie Sotuff and Cosmo Disco had impressive performances, while Elbow Macfearson, Toxic Moss and Ella Diablo, just to name a few, made our jammers’ job about as frustrating as potty training a ferret; I mean, it’s possible, but it sure isn’t easy.

PBR scored 75 of Sioux City’s 153 points, including 14, 15 and 23-point jams. T-vicious pulled off some wicked hits and wound up with her very first case of nasty rink rash. Can you get some kind of weird skin infection from 7-Up residue in an open wound?

Photo by Christopher Maharry

T Vicious flings herself at Show Stopper

The start whistle for the last jam sounded with 45 seconds left on the clock. Stella was heads up against PBR, with 12 points needed for D3 to tie. Stella put up a quick 5, and then called the jam with 3 seconds left on the clock. It would have been a great strategy, had someone called a timeout, but if anyone did, the refs didn’t see it. The last seconds ticked off the clock, the final buzzer sounded and, after several excruciating seconds, the final score of 145-153 lit up the scoreboard. It was sweaty hugs and boobilicious chest bumps all around for the Roller Dames. This was, by far the closest and most exciting bout of our season and we can’t wait to see the Derby Dames again on our home turf on November 13. And, um, if anyone wants to bring any cupcakes or anything, you know (wink, wink, M.O.A.B.), that’d be cool too.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

**All photos courtesy of Maharry Photography.

 

These Guys Put the Der in Derby!

The number one complaint that I hear about our local roller derby is this: “Skinner, I love the sport, but you gals just ain’t manly enough for me.” If you’ve found yourself saying this very thing, then prepare to pee in your panties with joy. Sioux City is going to get its very own broller derby (or merby) team! I’m just tickled pink to introduce to you, The Kornstalkers!

Kornstalkers bad-ass-i-tastic logo

You can find out more about the team at the October 23 Rolling Along the River Tournament (see below). The brains (ha!) behind the team will be there with info on recruiting and volunteering AND selling t-shirt sporting their killer logo.

If you just can’t wait until the 23rd, you can check out their Facebook profile here.

Rolling Along the River Tourney

Sioux City’s roller derby invitational tournament is only a few short weeks away and we are all gearing up to host a big ol’ herd of roller derby teams. On October 23, Rolling Along the River will bring 8 women’s teams, 4 merby (man + derby) teams and over 30 refs together for a full day of derby, derby, then lunch, then more derby.

Women’s teams are:

Rushmore Rollerz of Rapid City, SD

Mississippi Valley Mayhem of La Crosse, WI

Harbor City Roller Dames of Duluth, MN

Babe City Rollers of Bemidji, MN

Fargo/Moorehead Derby Girls of Fargo, ND

Muddy River Nightmares of Clinton, IA

Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys of Norfolk, NE

Sioux City Roller Dames of Sioux City, IA

Merby teams are:

Race City Rebels of Indianapolis, IN

Twin City Terrors of Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN

Milwaukee Blitzdkrieg of Milwaukee, WI

Rock City Riot of Fargo, ND

The women’s bracket can be found here. Merby teams will play 3 bouts, one against each of the other teams.

The tournament will be held at Long Lines Family Rec Center, beginning at 8 am. Admission is free before 4:00 and $10 thereafter. It will be a great opportunity for derby fans to see some great teams that they might not get another chance to watch in action.

Have a question? Just leave a comment here and I’ll answer it. I might even answer it correctly.

Dames Volunteering at CMN fundraiser

Do you want to talk to a real, live Roller Dame? Well now you can! Just have your checkbook or major credit card ready and give us a call while we are answering phones at the Children’s Miracle Network radiothon (sic).

Saint Luke’s Hospital raises thousands of dollars every year, which they use to improve children’s healthcare right here in Siouxland. Donations will help to purchase specialized equipment, improve facilities and fund family health education programs.

The radiothon (sic) will run from 6 am to 6 pm on October 5, 6 and 7 and will be broadcast live on KG95, Z98 and KISS 107.1. The Dames will be answering your calls on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons, between 4 and 6. If you call and fail to reach one of the Dames, just call again and keep making donations until one of us picks up. Philanthropy is sexy!

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