Sioux City Roller Dames vs. Des Moines Derby Dames: How to Catch a Saucy Noodle and Craft a Confusing Metaphor

When you talk about roller derby secret weapons, you usually think of things like a big ol’ hoss who is blindingly fast or a puny little thing that can block like nobody’s business. You never expect the cupcake, though. M.O.A.B., Des Moines Derby Dames blocker and lead cupcakist, left these stealthily placed butter cream bombs right in our locker room, where we had no choice but to eat six or seven of them apiece, right before the bout.

Despite bellies laden with cupcakes, the Roller Dames persevered, jumping out to a 9-0 lead, after the first two jams. Dames and Dames swapped the lead several times during the first half, with D3 racking up lots of quick scores and Sioux City playing our feast-or-famine style of derby, putting up 0 points in one jam then 18 in the next.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

It may look, to the casual observer, like PBR is trying to toot on Show Stopper, but I’m 60-65% sure she was just blocking her.

D3 made up some major ground when they put Stella Italiana in to jam 4 in a row, bringing the score to 43-44. If you’ve never seen Stella jam, let me try to describe it for you with a little help from my good friend, Chef Boyardee. With her slight build, Stella looks like the spaghetti noodle that snuck into the beef ravioli can. She is as slippery as a spaghetti-o and harder to catch than the last meatball floating around in the sauce. Oh, and did I tell you she leaps? There’s no fitting canned pasta metaphor here, homegirl’s just got mad hops.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

Stella Italiana bookin’ it like the Visigoths are after her.

With D3 only one point shy of a tie, PBR lined up to jam, ringing up 23 (What!?) points and giving Sioux City a 20 point lead. Sioux City proceeded to only score one more point over the next 5 jams, allowing D3 to claw their way back (not literally, they were all really lovely girls). We retired to the locker room with the score 65-68, Roller Dames.

During halftime, D3 introduced us all to their new team, the Crash Test Dolls. We were so happy for our fellow dames and their new expansion team, that we decided we should eat some more cupcakes to celebrate.

Fueled by chocolate and oh-so-creamy frosting, we again took the floor. In the first jam of the second half, D3 pitted Elbow Macfearson (winner of my favorite name honor, after someone explained it to me) against Funsize. Elbow eked out a 3 point lead before calling the jam. Next up for Sioux City was PBR who again put up a big number (14) and pulled our team back into the lead. After a couple of solid jams by Cosmo Disco, D3 had again tied the score, paving the way for Stella Italiana to snatch the lead back for Des Moines. Well then, of course Sum Mo Payne said, “Gaw-lee, y’all! It’s not that hard! Just score more points than them!” So she did; putting up 12 and outscoring D3 by 7.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

Mo: “If I contort my face just right, I can get past anybody.”

Dames’ jammers, Mo, Dubbs, PBR and Funsize hung on to that lead like it was the last parachute on a plummeting airplane. Meanwhile Sioux City’s blockers had finally figured out how to manage Stella Italiana. Through the first half, we just couldn’t manage to get ahold of her. Our 2 and 2 blocking and even 3-walls still left her plenty of space to get by. So we built a 4-wall; eight of our big ol’ butt cheeks lined up like pretty maids all in a row, proved impenetrable, well, relatively so. Felony Convixxen, The Annihilatrix and Dubbs realized that it was not impossible to knock Stella off of her skates, exceedingly difficult, yes, but not impossible.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

A rare picture of Stella Italiana NOT on her skates.

Stella Italiana put up 79 of D3’s 145 total points, but the bout was by no means “The Stella Show”. D3 jammers, Minnie Sotuff and Cosmo Disco had impressive performances, while Elbow Macfearson, Toxic Moss and Ella Diablo, just to name a few, made our jammers’ job about as frustrating as potty training a ferret; I mean, it’s possible, but it sure isn’t easy.

PBR scored 75 of Sioux City’s 153 points, including 14, 15 and 23-point jams. T-vicious pulled off some wicked hits and wound up with her very first case of nasty rink rash. Can you get some kind of weird skin infection from 7-Up residue in an open wound?

Photo by Christopher Maharry

T Vicious flings herself at Show Stopper

The start whistle for the last jam sounded with 45 seconds left on the clock. Stella was heads up against PBR, with 12 points needed for D3 to tie. Stella put up a quick 5, and then called the jam with 3 seconds left on the clock. It would have been a great strategy, had someone called a timeout, but if anyone did, the refs didn’t see it. The last seconds ticked off the clock, the final buzzer sounded and, after several excruciating seconds, the final score of 145-153 lit up the scoreboard. It was sweaty hugs and boobilicious chest bumps all around for the Roller Dames. This was, by far the closest and most exciting bout of our season and we can’t wait to see the Derby Dames again on our home turf on November 13. And, um, if anyone wants to bring any cupcakes or anything, you know (wink, wink, M.O.A.B.), that’d be cool too.

Photo by Christopher Maharry

**All photos courtesy of Maharry Photography.



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