Sioux-Sioux-dio: A Love Song

That’s right. I like Phil Collins. And I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Well, nothing except for my sub-par performance, mismatched socks and conspicuous lack of eyeliner at Saturday’s bout. Sioux Falls Killa Beez floated down the river for a little arch-rival derby action. Now I’m not crystal clear on why we’re supposed to be arch-rivals, but here’s my theory: Sioux Falls thinks they’re so great with their clean drinking water (3rd cleanest in the nation) and their tax structure that nurtures small business growth. Well guess what: who’s got the lowest real estate prices in the nation? What town boasts the death site of a Sergeant from the Lewis and Clark expedition? That’s right, Sioux City, so, clearly we’ve got a natural rivalry here.

Felony Convixen pauses to read a Killa Bee's panties

For serious, though, the Killa Beez played a kick-ass bout and made for the most competitive and gut-wrenching bout we’ve had this season. We both got off to a slow start, with only three points scored between the two teams during the first four jams. Then this happened: Lady Boop took the jam line for the Beez against Funsize for the Dames. Funsize and The Annihilatrix quickly went to the penalty box, allowing Lady Boop to score 24 unanswered points. We were like, “Whoa, Hoss!” and she was like, “Y’all cain’t stop this train! Whoo Whoo!” (Note: all dialogue is 100% fabricated)

I've been working on this special move: the dryhump block. It's not very effective for stopping a jammer, but it really makes the other team uncomfortable.

Dames’ jammers chipped at the lead, putting up workman-like four and five-point jams, while our D kept the Beez’ jammers more or less in check. At the half, we stomped our little roller skates down to the locker rooms with the score 79-51, Killa Beez. We ate our bananas and presented theories that might explain our poor playing. I posited that vigorous activity can cause toxic substances such as lead and mercury to be released from fat cells and into the body, so we were probably all suffering mild brain damage as we skated. Someone else thought it might be all of the penalties we were incurring, either way, none of us seemed to have our heads in the game.

T-Vicious lays a mean hit on Killa Beez jammer.

Funsize came out and put up a quick eight points in the first jam of the second half, before being send to the box. Luckily our blockers managed to keep the Beez scoreless. Funsize was released in the second jam and put up another 15 unanswered points, bringing the score to 79-74, Beez. After two solid, but penalty laden jams from PBR, the score was even closer at 102-100. Then Mo Payne put up a quick three and called the jam, giving us our first lead of the night, score 102-103.

PBR tries to make it through the bee hive without gettin' stung.

Mo, PBR and Funsize extended the lead to 118-128, then this happened: Mo, jamming, went to the box without scoring. She looked so awfully lonely that The Annihilatrix and Triple D decided to join her, leaving Ungelic jamming for the Beez against two lonely blockers. Ungelic scored 24 points, decisively taking the lead back for Sioux Falls.

Funsize takes a closer look at these sweet leggings.

The score still well within reach, PBR took the line for Sioux City in the final jam. She took lead jammer and started putting points on the board, but Ungelic, jamming for Sioux Falls was closer than stink to an elbow (if you don’t get that one, smell one of PBR’s elbows sometime) and forced PBR to call off the jam with the score 166-157, Killa Beez.

The Beez played a great bout (probably all that lead and mercury-free water they’re always bragging about) and displayed great sportsmanship and grace in their win. We’d like to thank the players, coaches, volunteers and fans who came out en force to support their team; you are what makes roller derby the great sport that it is!



  1. sorry i missed that one, sounded like a great bout! How many total penalties were there???

    • Dames went to the penalty box 34 times (as did the Killa Beez) with 23 major penalties and 59 minors.

  2. You’ve liked that wierd little man since we were kids. I had completely forgotten about that. I don’t know how many times I had to watch that “another day in paradise” video with you! Great write up – topher and I laughed our asses off as usual. especially at your fabulous dry-humping technique. Too cute. You never cease to crack me up. Love you!

  3. Ha!: Sioux-Sioux-dio! I like it.

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