Dames vs. Kornstalkers: Whatever Happens, Dude, Just Don’t Get a Boner in the Pack.

I don’t know how y’all celebrate Valentine’s Day, but, traditionally, I like to sweat it up with a bunch of big, hairy, tattooed-up dudes. Luckily, this year, I happened to be playing roller derby against the Kornstalkers, who fit the bill perfectly. Ooohh, I’ve gotta remember to take down that Craigslist ad.

Awww, they're so sweet, I could just sop 'em up with a biscuit!

The Kornstalkers are Sioux City’s brand new men’s roller derby team, who will be playing their first “for real, for real” bout this upcoming Saturday against Des Moines’ Your Mom men’s derby team. So, to help them prepare, the Roller Dames graciously agreed to play a scrimmage with them and “get ’em broke in right”, as my horse trainer/gynecologist always says.

Really, who wouldn't want to just stay behind us?

Dames established a small lead early in the bout and slowly widened the gap with a series of 4 and 5-point jams. The Kornstalker jammer, The Rodster scored 13 points in a single jam, while your humble narrator, Skinnerella, only scored 4. What can I say, I just make men want to skate away from me really, really fast. That jam swung the score back in the Kornstalkers’ direction, allowing them to take a slim 26-24 lead.

The Rodster: "So this is what all those guys at my high school meant when they were talking about scoring!"

Then we all collectively decided that we weren’t gonna have none of that mess, and pulled decisively back into the lead, leaving the score 41-67 at halftime. The halftime performance featured Mo Payne and Dubbs changing their shirts when they thought no one was looking, as the two swapped out Kornstalker bench-coaching duty.

Stella kicks The Kracken while he's down.

Back on the track in the second half, Dames scored 4 points in the first jam, then hit a drought, the likes of which had not been seen round these parts since the dust bowl. We were held completely scoreless for the next five jams, while the Kornstalkers put up a combined 26 points, bringing them within three itsy-bitsy points of the lead, 68-71.

The other Stalkers look on as Speed Trap gets to know Mizfit's sharp, little shoulder.

But then this happened: Mo Payne took the jam line against Spyder Rodriguez, who promptly went to the penalty box after scoring only 2 points. Mo went on to score 15 in that jam, teaching her little derby ducklings an important lesson and bringing the score soundly into our favor. The official final score for the scrimmage was 91-111, Dames.

Knockin' Bones makes keeping a pack of women in check look easy.

Some honorable mentions for the Stalkers: The Rodster had the highest total points with 32, please hold you applause. Spyder followed closely with 25 total points. And let’s not forget our little kamikaze, Speed Trap, who put up 18 points. Tripod (ha haaa, I just got his name!) scored two grand slams in his only jam.

We are, as always, gracious and demure winners.

For the Dames, Mo (who only played in the second half, mind you) scored 30 points, along with Steel Bullitt Stella. Little ol’ me scored 21, mostly through trickery and idle threats, but points are points. FYI: it isn’t against the rules for me to lie and tell you that you are out of play, when you are, in fact, not. And I don’t know how often this will come up outside of coed play, but when someone says: “Hey! That’s my nipple!” you really just have to ignore it and keep blocking.

Here I'm telling Banzai Bo that if he hits me too hard, I'll get pregnant.

The Dames all had a kick-ass time playing with our derby baby brothers. And just remember: we hit you because we love you so much.

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3 Comments

  1. Funny, my husband has had the nickname “Tripod” since 1998.

  2. I literally cried. I laughed so damn hard I cried.I love you Skinner.

  3. I love it when you make me laugh out loud! I love you Skinner!


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