Meet Miss March (written in the style of James Lipton)

Our Dame of the month for the last half of March/first half of April, silent and noble as the first buttercup of spring, with the determination and will of a trout and all of the grace of a Kleenex dancing in the updraft of a vesper wind, is the incomparable SPANKY BOTTOMS!

Miss Bottoms, who came to grace the Roller Dames with her talent in January of 2009, learned to skate in the sunny climes of Long Beach, California, where she lived for much of her young life. It became her daily practice, as a girl, to don sunglasses with pictures of Shawn Cassidy affixed to the inside of the lenses, hoist her Bangles-blaring boom box atop her shoulder and go roller skating about her neighborhood, bringing joy into the lives of all who beheld her.

It was here, in Long Beach, where Spanky Bottoms was first beguiled by the wily mistress, roller derby. Miss Bottoms nourished her competitive hunger by watching the L.A. Thunderbirds, led by Skinny Minnie.

After returning to her childhood home of Sioux City, Miss Bottoms met and later married Mr. Bottoms, known in other circles as Tim. Tim could no more tame a soul as wild as Spanky’s than a steamboat captain can tame the Mississippi River, but he has happily ridden her crests and swells for the past 21 years. And shortly after the birth of the Sioux City Roller Dames, the Bottomses rejoiced in another birth, that of their beloved ragamuffin, Silas.

Since becoming a Roller Dame, Spanky Bottoms has amazed and delighted us all with her impeccable skill as a blocker and pivot, and has received accolades such as the cleanest skater award, both for her avoidance of the penalty box and for her most impressive ability to not reek like a cat butt as her teammates all do. She holds a seat on the team’s board of directors and serves as the team treasurer, managing the collective piggy bank with all of the financial acumen of James Pierpont Morgan. She has proven herself a vicious cakist and never fails to tickle our pallets with her bake sale cake pops.

Miss Bottoms, I am in awe of you, I avert my eyes from your blinding glory, and am unworthy of even your most minuscule crumbs of attention.

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1 Comment

  1. Great right up! Congrats, Spanky!


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