Schmancy Drew and the Case of the Disappearing Mojo

Schmancy Drew, a plucky, young, mystery-solving derby girl, found herself in the Twin Cities with a mystery before her. It seemed that the Sioux City Roller Dames had lost their bout-winning mojo, and they were just about to play the North Star Supernovas (ranked #7 in the region). Had the mojo been stolen? Innocently misplaced? Did Skinnerella put it in the trunk of her car and forget about it like that gallon of milk? Schmancy Drew was determined to find out!

The first thing that Schmancy noticed was the difference in the number of players for each team; the Roller Dames were a few players short of a full roster, with only nine girls. Luckily, Stella Italiana from the Des Moines Derby Dames happened to be in town and agreed to join the Roller Dames for the bout. Still, this left the Dames with only 3 jammers, compared to North Star’s 10.

After the first few jams, the Roller Dames were scoreless, while North Star put up grand slam after grand slam. Then Dames jammer, Sum Mo Payne, got lead status, scored one point, and called off the jam. Could this be a glimpse of the mojo Schmancy had been searching for?

That solitary point seemed terribly lonely on the scoreboard all by itself, but no other points wanted to join it. Maybe, Schmancy thought, they were frightened of all of the GHOST POINTS on North Star’s side of the scoreboard.  Ghost points are awarded for players on the opposing team who are in the penalty box when the jammer clears the pack. And golly, did Sioux City give out the ghost points–123 total for the bout! Maybe, thought Schmancy, the Roller Dames’ mojo was hidden under the penalty box chairs.

The teams retired to their locker rooms at the half with a score of 24-133, North Star. The Roller Dames were down, but not quite defeated. As Schmancy scoured the locker room for clues–and bananas– the Dames decided that they really ought to stop committing penalties, or at the very least cut back to half-a-pack a day. Unfortunately, Felony Convixen, who had suffered a knee injury during the first half, would not be able to return to the bout. Was the mojo hidden inside Felony’s knee cartilage?

The Dames retook the track, determined to play and have fun, mojo or nojo. And much to Schmancy’s surprise, the Roller Dames’ illusive mojo had returned of it’s own accord! The Dames got lead jammer status in the first 6 jams of the second half, and had lead a total of 13 times in the half, opposed to North Star’s 7. During the second half, the Dames defense was able to slow down the opposing jammer, only allowing 52 points.

The second half was a completely different bout–except that it was the same bout and the ridiculously uneven score from the first half was factored in. Dames’ jammers took lead about 2/3 of the time and scored 40 points. Though North Star still outscored the Roller Dames (40-52 in the half), the Dames had made it a competitive and interesting bout, far more interesting than the final score of 64-185 would lead you to believe.

Some notable highlights for North Star: Katarina Hit scored a total of 41 points in the bout; six North Star jammers had 20+ points totals; they pretty much, all-around kicked ass. Roller Dames high points: Stella Italiana scored 33 points and got lead jammer in 12 of 17 jams; Mo Payne scored 23 (including that tricky first point) and got lead in half of her jams; Dubbs got lead in half of her jams and had the lowest points scored/points allowed differential; Skinnerella got laid smooth out on the track and when she opened her eyes she thought Natalie Portman was kneeling over her, stroking her face…turned out it was just ref. Rainbow Spite, but still it was pretty great for a second there.

And so Schmancy Drew had laid to rest the case of the missing mojo–it was in the locker room, apparently, stuffed into the bottom of one of the smelly skate bags. Now that the Roller Dames have it back, they’re going to put a shock collar on it and lock it up in a pen out behind the landfill, only bringing it out when they need it.

Schmancy would like to thank the North Star Supernovas, the Twin Cities Terrors for hosting us and all of the fans, volunteers and refs for coming out. It was a great night!

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1 Comment

  1. Best. Recap. Ever. 🙂


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