Mayday Mayhem by Eat Schmidt

What is better than over 24hrs of team traveling, mountains, fresh air, roller derby, and an armpit hair growing contest?  Well I would have to say not much.  This past weekend the dames traveled out to Greeley Colorado to participate in the Mayday Mayhem Tournament put on by the Slaughterhouse Derby Girls.  The weekend started out with 8 eager teams from all over the US even including Hawaii competing for the coveted Mayday Mayhem Trophy.

Way to stay in bounds and get that point, Funsize! (Photo courtesy of Pixel This Photography)

The Dames first and only bout on Friday was against Pacific Roller Derby.  Even though many of us were lacking sleep and a little stiff from traveling, the team pulled ahead quickly and ended the first half with a score of 238 to 4.  At the end of the bout, the Dames had our first victory of the weekend with a score of 370 to 51.  Saturday we kept the momentum going, pulling out 2 more wins against Slaughterhouse Derby Girls with a score of 363 to 104 and Cheyenne Capidolls with a score of 372 to 79.

Sum Mo Payne gets ready to dance her way through the pack on a power jam. (Photo courtesy of Pixel This Photography)

With both games being finished early afternoon, we headed down to Denver to watch the Rocky Mountain Roller Girls take on the Minnesota Roller Girls All-star team.   The Denver bout was inspiring and fun to watch.  With derby overload, we absorbed as much derby knowledge as we could and got even more pumped up for the bouts ahead.

Anita Spur sneaks by while Dubbs, The Annihilatrix and T-Vicious pester Junction City’s jammer. (photo courtesy of Pixel This Photography)

After another restful night of sleep, the dames traveled back to the Kill Floor to finish out the tournament.  We started out Sunday morning with a bout against the Foco Girls Gone Derby, and pulled out another win with a final score of 234-100.  The final championship game pitted the Dames against Junction City Roller Dolls out of Junction City, Utah.  Junction City put up a tough fight but could not get the win.  The Dames took the championship game with a score of 299-147, and PBR brought home a well-deserved MVP trophy.

The Dames all cuddled up with the very pointy championship trophy. In other news, Anita Spur can levitate. (Photo courtesy of the Sioux City Roller Dames)

All of the Dames that traveled to Colorado this past weekend not only showed their honed skills on the track, but also played with intense passion on the track.  The Mayday Mayhem tournament treated us well with amazing reffing and announcing crews, great teams, and a fun derby filled weekend.  The Dames showed true Dames dedication by playing through injuries, equipment failures, blisters, exhaustion, altitude and the embarrassment of hairy armpits.  I am proud to be a part of this amazing team and would not change any of it.


Three W’s Down!

In the blink of a brown eye, the first three bouts of the season are in the books (Alitteration bitches! Guess who took a poetry class!). And guess W-W-What? We start our season (best season ever?) with three wins! Here’s what happened:

The dames started out on the road, traveling to beautiful Cedar Rapids to take on the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls. Only 7 Dames could make the trip, and, I must say to the shame of my ancestors, I was not among them. That means that I can only infer the events that led to the final score of 160-116. Probably the Heldorados dominated until the last 3 minutes, when Mr. Miyagi told us that he believed in us and we made a jaw-dropping comeback, despite the best efforts of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who were throwing high roundhouse kicks from the suicide seats. Yeah, probably that’s what happened. Whatever the case may be, the Roller Dames got the W.

Our head NSO, Karma Killa catches the business end of Rainbow Spite's whistle. She still hears the ringing.

We need to talk, Collision Corpse. The scary game face only works if you suppress the goofy grin.

The next week, we held our home opener against the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys. The bout was scheduled just hours after three of the roller dames–Mo Payne, Dubbs and PBR–had finished skating across the state of Nebraska to raise funds for the MS Society. Even still, all three were on the roster, and even all skated in the first jam of the night. Mo Payne scored 57 points in 4 jams, and PBR scored 52 in just as many. Dubbs held the opposing jammer scoreless in all of her jams, as did Anita Spur. We were introduced to rookie Dame Hurricane of Awesome, who blew us all away (Get it? Because she’s a hurricane?). She jammed 6 times and scored a total of 39 points, including a 19-point jam. Felony Convixen also had a 19-pointer, adding to her total of 42 points in the bout. Despite the best efforts of Norfolk jammers Kimakazee, One Shot C and Cream Ur Soda (who had an awesome 17-point jam toward the end of the bout), the Dames won with a final score of 31-259.

Our overseas guest, Tigre Force shows us how they do the Macarena in Finland...apparently the same way we do it here. Small world!

Hurricane of Awesome, recently upgraded from Tropical Storm Awesome.

Almost as rare as the Arctic Land Dolphin is Spanky Bottoms: lead jammer.

Jump ahead 2 weeks and we are at home again facing the Northstar Northern Lights of Minneapolis. After getting our poop-holes stomped by Northstar’s A-team last season, we were expecting a really close bout the the B-team. And boy were we wrong! Dames defence held the Northern Lights scoreless for stretches of 6 and 7 jams in a row, while our jammers collected grand slams like they were stray cats and we were  animal hoarders. When all the marbles were counted, Dubbs had 20 points with 2 grand slams; Anita Spur had 22 with 4 grand slams; Funsize had 48 points with 7 grand slams; PBR had 56 with 7 grand slams and Mo Payne scored a total of 71 points with godknowshowmany grand slams. The final was 73-219, Dames. But my award for the best derby name goes to Northstar’s Combat Booty, because, especially now, we all need to support our troops.

Either this was a really hard hit or these girls both just smelled a fart.

*insert Italian curses here*

Ah, Northstar's blocker fell for the old "Look! It's the Aurora Borealis!" trick!

Bust a move!

Not a shabby start to the best season ever. And now we all take a deep breath, let a little helium out of our skulls, and prepare to win the hell out of the Rolling Along the River tournament in October! Keep an eye on the blog for more info on that and, as always, more dated pop culture references and poop jokes!

Missed You Like the Dickens: Off-Season Wrap-Up

Let’s never be apart again! As you may have noticed, there has been far too little roller derby lately and that is because your dear little Roller Dames have taken a couple of months off. I’ve spent my free time climbing mountains (chaise lounge) in Argentina (my sister’s den) and rehabilitating (eating) orphaned lambs (ketchup-flavored chips).

Now that we’re all caught up on my life, let’s recap last year’s derby business. Last season went a little something like this: Win, Loss, Win, Win, Super-Win, Win, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Loss, Loss. We ended with a record of 5-6, not counting the Rolling Along the River tournament, which we totally won, so if you count that as 3 wins, that gives us a winning record of 8-6. Not too shabby! However, if you didn’t go to the same statistical analysis class as I did, you might say we had a losing record.

We closed our season with an away bout against Old Capitol City Roller Girls, which was possibly the best bout ever in the history of mankind. We lost, but we lost in grand fashion, as we are wont to do. We had a sizeable lead at halftime, then in the second half OCCRG brought it like Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku and quickly closed the gap. The lead flip-flopped a time or two, mistakes were made, Old Capitol played kick-ass derby and ultimately came out on top 124-141. It was one of those bouts that was so competitive and so fun, the loss didn’t really sting. The house was packed and every fan got to see some killer roller derby.

Your dear Dames will be back at home on Saturday, August 27, taking on the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys, then two weeks later on September 10, we  host the Northern Lights of the Twin Cities. Can’t wait that long? Come to Cedar Rapids for our season opener on August 20. It’s only like 5 hours away, not currently underwater and **bonus** most days the town smells like oatmeal. It’s a magical place and totally worth a road trip.

Stay tuned (or whatever the hell you call it when you are talking about a blog) for schedule updates and off-season shenanigans!

Shenanigans?You mean Shenanigans?Are you guys talking about Shenanigans?


Schmancy Drew and the Case of the Disappearing Mojo

Schmancy Drew, a plucky, young, mystery-solving derby girl, found herself in the Twin Cities with a mystery before her. It seemed that the Sioux City Roller Dames had lost their bout-winning mojo, and they were just about to play the North Star Supernovas (ranked #7 in the region). Had the mojo been stolen? Innocently misplaced? Did Skinnerella put it in the trunk of her car and forget about it like that gallon of milk? Schmancy Drew was determined to find out!

The first thing that Schmancy noticed was the difference in the number of players for each team; the Roller Dames were a few players short of a full roster, with only nine girls. Luckily, Stella Italiana from the Des Moines Derby Dames happened to be in town and agreed to join the Roller Dames for the bout. Still, this left the Dames with only 3 jammers, compared to North Star’s 10.

After the first few jams, the Roller Dames were scoreless, while North Star put up grand slam after grand slam. Then Dames jammer, Sum Mo Payne, got lead status, scored one point, and called off the jam. Could this be a glimpse of the mojo Schmancy had been searching for?

That solitary point seemed terribly lonely on the scoreboard all by itself, but no other points wanted to join it. Maybe, Schmancy thought, they were frightened of all of the GHOST POINTS on North Star’s side of the scoreboard.  Ghost points are awarded for players on the opposing team who are in the penalty box when the jammer clears the pack. And golly, did Sioux City give out the ghost points–123 total for the bout! Maybe, thought Schmancy, the Roller Dames’ mojo was hidden under the penalty box chairs.

The teams retired to their locker rooms at the half with a score of 24-133, North Star. The Roller Dames were down, but not quite defeated. As Schmancy scoured the locker room for clues–and bananas– the Dames decided that they really ought to stop committing penalties, or at the very least cut back to half-a-pack a day. Unfortunately, Felony Convixen, who had suffered a knee injury during the first half, would not be able to return to the bout. Was the mojo hidden inside Felony’s knee cartilage?

The Dames retook the track, determined to play and have fun, mojo or nojo. And much to Schmancy’s surprise, the Roller Dames’ illusive mojo had returned of it’s own accord! The Dames got lead jammer status in the first 6 jams of the second half, and had lead a total of 13 times in the half, opposed to North Star’s 7. During the second half, the Dames defense was able to slow down the opposing jammer, only allowing 52 points.

The second half was a completely different bout–except that it was the same bout and the ridiculously uneven score from the first half was factored in. Dames’ jammers took lead about 2/3 of the time and scored 40 points. Though North Star still outscored the Roller Dames (40-52 in the half), the Dames had made it a competitive and interesting bout, far more interesting than the final score of 64-185 would lead you to believe.

Some notable highlights for North Star: Katarina Hit scored a total of 41 points in the bout; six North Star jammers had 20+ points totals; they pretty much, all-around kicked ass. Roller Dames high points: Stella Italiana scored 33 points and got lead jammer in 12 of 17 jams; Mo Payne scored 23 (including that tricky first point) and got lead in half of her jams; Dubbs got lead in half of her jams and had the lowest points scored/points allowed differential; Skinnerella got laid smooth out on the track and when she opened her eyes she thought Natalie Portman was kneeling over her, stroking her face…turned out it was just ref. Rainbow Spite, but still it was pretty great for a second there.

And so Schmancy Drew had laid to rest the case of the missing mojo–it was in the locker room, apparently, stuffed into the bottom of one of the smelly skate bags. Now that the Roller Dames have it back, they’re going to put a shock collar on it and lock it up in a pen out behind the landfill, only bringing it out when they need it.

Schmancy would like to thank the North Star Supernovas, the Twin Cities Terrors for hosting us and all of the fans, volunteers and refs for coming out. It was a great night!

Sioux City vs. Sioux Falls: A Brief Post-mortem

You know how I usually squeeze a bunch of stats into these blogs? Well, after waiting a while to get a look at the stats from our last bout, I decided that the final score really tells us all that we need to know. The Sioux Falls Roller Dollz won, 227-35. We were murdered–murdered, dismembered and and thrown into the river. Now that all of our body parts have washed ashore, we’re ready to put them back together (probably more along the lines of Frankenstein than The 6 Million Dollar Man).

So here’s what happened, to the best of my recollection. After the first few jams, Sioux Falls had established a commanding lead and had held us scoreless. We’re not accustomed to this happening and basically, we all lost our damn minds.  I was yelling, Dubbs was collecting penalties, Mo was laughing maniacally, Funsize was darting around frantically like a rabbit without a hole and I’m pretty sure our bench coach, The Rodster, was crying.

While we were busy forgetting how to play roller derby, the Dollz were–guess what–PLAYING ROLLER DERBY. They played a really great bout, as you may have gathered from the score. They are an incredibly strong team and we learned quite a lot from them.

The Dames did have a few notable highlights from the bout. Funsize and Mo each had a grand slam and, between the two of them, scored nearly all of our 35 points.  The team penalties were really something to be proud of, with our entire team only committing 25 minors and 15 majors (and, to be fair, about half of those were Dubbs :), while the Dollz had 42 minors and 20 majors. It’s a small victory, but, hey it’s something to be proud of.

During the last jam of the game, Funsize decided that she would have a little fun and, instead of trying to score any points (which would have been pointless), she just blocked the opposing jammer, keeping her scoreless as well. This was, by far, the most entertaining jam of the game, as far as our bench was concerned, anyway.

At the end of the night, we didn’t win…not even CLOSE. But we had a great time and have since been working on the weaknesses that were so clearly brought into the open during this bout. We thank the Dollz and the town of Brookings for hosting this awesome evening of roller derby.

Hey, Remember When We Played Fargo? Yeah, Me Neither.

But I promise it did happen. Two weeks ago, which is like 15 years in blog-time. Some might say I dropped the ball on this one, but the fact is I just set the ball aside for a bit; a gal can only handle so many balls at one time.

Why is everyone falling down? And what happened to my jar of rendered goose fat?

First, let me remind you of how awesome the Fargo-Moorhead Derby Girls are. We played them twice during last year’s Rolling Along the River Tournament and both bouts were crazy-fun, competitive and exciting for both players and spectators. The Roller Dames barely eked out wins against them in the tournament, all the while, the Fargo ladies displayed great sportsmanship, positive attitudes and impossibly high alcohol tolerances. Also, they wear these super-cute sparkly blue uniforms, which I just love.

Team Paramedic, Waste 'em Kate, thinks we ought to give peace a chance, while Mr. McClennan wonders, "Two? Two what?".

We expected another very close and challenging bout when they came back to town for our home closer, and that’s just what we got. Fargo leapt out to an early lead, scoring three grand slams and some change in the first four jams, leaving the score 24-2 going into jam 5. Our bench coaches, Mo Captain and the Rodster started prying our heads out of our asses and got us back into the game after a short timeout. During the remainderof the first half, the Roller Dames took lead jammer status 15 out of 19 times and held Fargo to very few points. We broke for halftime with the score 39-64, Dames.

T-Vicious, Dubbs and Mo Payne are harder to pass than a Chinese math class.

White Tiger Martial Arts did a really cool demo during halftime where this little girl wiped the floor with a boy who was trying to take her purse, so now I know what NOT to do next time I mug a small child.

"That's my purse! I don't know you!"

We took the track for the second half, confident that we had gotten our heads into the game. Then this happened: the Roller Dames were held scoreless for a stretch of five jams, while Fargo’s Sarin Dipity, Sin Gria, Skaty Gaga and Shock Therapy combined to score 42 points, snatching the lead as quickly and easily as I snatch little girls’ purses.

Though it looks like Mo is giving Dubbs a good, hard whip, she is actually in the process of flinging her to the ground so she can take back her leggings.

All of the things we did right in the first half, Fargo did righter in the second. They were awarded lead 11 of 19 jams and called it off nearly every time, holding us to few or no points. Mo Payne, Funsize, Dubbs and Felony Convixen continued to put up points for the Roller Dames, but we were never quite able to close the gap. At the buzzer, the final score was 144-110, Fargo.

This photo was taken seconds before The Annihilatrix turned green, shredded her boutfit and started smashing things. Skip ahead, skip ahead, we all learned a little something about human fragility and Bill Bixby walked proudly into the sunset.

Although I probably should have felt worse about the loss, Fargo is such a great team, I was honestly having too much fun to kick myself. And after our last two bouts where the score got ridiculously out of hand, I realize that I’d rather lose a close bout than win a blowout any day. Thanks a million to all of the players, coaches and volunteers who came down from Fargo; we can’t wait to do it again!

Does everyone look this cool when they call off a jam, or is it just Mo Payne?

Mid Iowa Rollers Mix-A-Lot!

So on Saturday night the Mid Iowa Rollers found out what happens when you invite girls from 8 different teams to come skate together. A bitchin’ super-terrific derby fun time is what! Seriously, this was such an awesome opportunity for us to play with new girls and girls you don’t get to see too often. For the sake of full disclosure, I should tell you that I don’t really remember anything that happened. I mean, I can probably get within the ballpark of the score, but beyond that, everything you’ll read in the following paragraphs is made up. Big fat lies. Enjoy!

The bout was divided into three periods–two 25-minute periods and one 30-minute–with a different set of players in each period. Members of the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, Dakota City Demolition Crew, Eastern Iowa Outlaws, Oskaloosa Mayhem Girls, Old Capital City Roller Girls, Muddy River Nightmares, Quad City Rollers, Sioux City Roller Dames and, of course, Mid Iowa Rollers split into black shirts and white shirts and got down to business. FUNNY BUSINESS, that is.

For the white team, Bamf from Oskaloosa scored pretty close to 1000 points, luckily Toothy Hilt (Cedar Rapids) activated her rocket skates and scored 2000 points for the black team. T-Vicious (Sioux City) hit the black teams jammer so hard, her head flew off and landed in the lap of a teenage boy. He had to be carried out of the skating rink, wrapped in a blanket, all the while  sobbing, “This is the nearest I shall ever come to knowing the tender love of a woman!”

The score was close after the first period–within about a thousand or so–and even closer at the end of the third (for true, I think a one-point bout at that point). Then me and all the other SERIOUS ATHLETES took the track for the third period [author’s note: all caps indicate sarcasm. or yelling. you figure it out, GENIUS]. First, Deja Deadwards blew an ancient tune on her enchanted whistle and summoned her flying unicorn, Lawrence. Deja and Lawrence went on to score over 600 points.

Mid Iowa Amazons, Anna Killakova and Lolli Popya made the white team look like tiny ants while they held the pack and scored, oh, I don’t know, let’s say a jillion points. After the dust settled and the trusted NSO’s had tallied the points, the score was 137ish-97ish, white team. Though we were kind of all winners, mostly because my team–the black team–did not understand the scoreboard and  thought we were winning for most of the period.

Other highlights of the evening include The Oppressor bringing swagger and bravado to the position of jam timer; Wonton Hammer performing Master of the House from Les Mis while pivoting; and the concession lady showering the winning team with soft pretzels, while splattering the losers with dipping-cheese. Then while Sum Mo Payne was heatedly disputing a call with Rainbow Spite, their eyes met, and their impassioned argument turned to just plain ‘ passion.

Yeah, that was pretty much what happened. Totally worth the drive. Thanks to the Mid Iowa Rollers for putting this awesome event together!

%d bloggers like this: