Three W’s Down!

In the blink of a brown eye, the first three bouts of the season are in the books (Alitteration bitches! Guess who took a poetry class!). And guess W-W-What? We start our season (best season ever?) with three wins! Here’s what happened:

The dames started out on the road, traveling to beautiful Cedar Rapids to take on the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls. Only 7 Dames could make the trip, and, I must say to the shame of my ancestors, I was not among them. That means that I can only infer the events that led to the final score of 160-116. Probably the Heldorados dominated until the last 3 minutes, when Mr. Miyagi told us that he believed in us and we made a jaw-dropping comeback, despite the best efforts of the Cobra Kai Dojo, who were throwing high roundhouse kicks from the suicide seats. Yeah, probably that’s what happened. Whatever the case may be, the Roller Dames got the W.

Our head NSO, Karma Killa catches the business end of Rainbow Spite's whistle. She still hears the ringing.

We need to talk, Collision Corpse. The scary game face only works if you suppress the goofy grin.

The next week, we held our home opener against the Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys. The bout was scheduled just hours after three of the roller dames–Mo Payne, Dubbs and PBR–had finished skating across the state of Nebraska to raise funds for the MS Society. Even still, all three were on the roster, and even all skated in the first jam of the night. Mo Payne scored 57 points in 4 jams, and PBR scored 52 in just as many. Dubbs held the opposing jammer scoreless in all of her jams, as did Anita Spur. We were introduced to rookie Dame Hurricane of Awesome, who blew us all away (Get it? Because she’s a hurricane?). She jammed 6 times and scored a total of 39 points, including a 19-point jam. Felony Convixen also had a 19-pointer, adding to her total of 42 points in the bout. Despite the best efforts of Norfolk jammers Kimakazee, One Shot C and Cream Ur Soda (who had an awesome 17-point jam toward the end of the bout), the Dames won with a final score of 31-259.

Our overseas guest, Tigre Force shows us how they do the Macarena in Finland...apparently the same way we do it here. Small world!

Hurricane of Awesome, recently upgraded from Tropical Storm Awesome.

Almost as rare as the Arctic Land Dolphin is Spanky Bottoms: lead jammer.

Jump ahead 2 weeks and we are at home again facing the Northstar Northern Lights of Minneapolis. After getting our poop-holes stomped by Northstar’s A-team last season, we were expecting a really close bout the the B-team. And boy were we wrong! Dames defence held the Northern Lights scoreless for stretches of 6 and 7 jams in a row, while our jammers collected grand slams like they were stray cats and we were¬† animal hoarders. When all the marbles were counted, Dubbs had 20 points with 2 grand slams; Anita Spur had 22 with 4 grand slams; Funsize had 48 points with 7 grand slams; PBR had 56 with 7 grand slams and Mo Payne scored a total of 71 points with godknowshowmany grand slams. The final was 73-219, Dames. But my award for the best derby name goes to Northstar’s Combat Booty, because, especially now, we all need to support our troops.

Either this was a really hard hit or these girls both just smelled a fart.

*insert Italian curses here*

Ah, Northstar's blocker fell for the old "Look! It's the Aurora Borealis!" trick!

Bust a move!

Not a shabby start to the best season ever. And now we all take a deep breath, let a little helium out of our skulls, and prepare to win the hell out of the Rolling Along the River tournament in October! Keep an eye on the blog for more info on that and, as always, more dated pop culture references and poop jokes!


SCRD vs CRRG: The Ugly Duckling Hits Puberty

There are those bouts that start out ugly–I mean, nasty, sloppy, penalty-laden, hideously ugly play–but then the players will work out their nerves, clean up their play and the ugly duckling will grow into a beautiful swan. Then there are bouts like Saturday’s against the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls, where that awkward little duck grew into something like this:

Sketch artist's rendering

Here’s what happened, to the best of my recollection: The first jam was a quick one. Funsize got the lead with AJ Renegade right on her tail feathers. Both jammers scored 2 points before F called the jam. Then things started to get out of hand. Mo Payne scored 10, followed by 20 from PBR and another 10 from Funsize; meanwhile, CR jammers didn’t manage to complete their initial pass through the pack and stayed scoreless while Sioux City snatched the lead, stuffed it into our sports bra and ran away with it.

Mo: "I wasn't pushing her down, I was reaching out to keep her from falling." And some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.

Then in the 6th jam, things started looking up for CR. Jacquee Da Ripper won lead jammer (the first of the game for CR) and put up 12 points, outscoring the Dames by 6. Then a few jams later, Toothy Hilt (favorite name! Seriously, say it out loud. It’s like that Mad Gab game!) got the lead and scored 8 unanswered points, while our little Dubbs was sent to the box to think about what she did (cutting the track).

Funsize, we already told you, you're too old to be on the dance team, no matter how sweet your windmill move is.

Even these impressive jams, though, only brought CR to within 50 points of the lead. PBR had decided that if she was going to go to all the trouble of getting up out of her comfy chair, she might as well score tons of points while she was up. By the end of the night, she had three 20+ point jams, and a total of 90 points in the bout. So if the score looked lopsided at the half–35-123–you can pretty much blame all of that on PBR.

These tiny dancers were so adorable! I just wanted to take one or two of them home with me, but the words "kidnapping" and "unlawful enslavement of a minor" get thrown around a lot these days.

It is sometimes hard to evaluate what causes a bout to go well for one team and poorly for another. Certainly here penalties were a factor, but after looking at the score sheets, another HUGE factor that determined the score in this bout was lead jammer status AND strategically calling off the jam. Toward the end of the first half, CR’s jammer took the lead 5 times in a row, but only called the jam two of those times. During this 5-jam stretch, Sioux City outscored CR by 11 points total, but CR outscored or tied us in the jams that they called off.

"Somebody take this star and wake me up when it's my turn again."

In the second half, CR’s jammers took the lead 7 times, and were outscored or tied by our jammer in 6 of those jams. The one exception was the jam that Rockabelle called off, where she scored a grand slam. Rockabelle, by the way, was awarded MVP for the Roller Girls. Way to go, girl!

Throughout the bout, CR played an impressively physical game. They did a lot of hitting within the pack and kept all of the Dames constantly on high-alert. While the Dames usually only hit strategically and employ a lot of zone blocking, CR’s mix-it-up style looked so awfully fun that we decided we should try it too.

Triple D tries to avoid Mrs. Hippy's butt. Seriously, it's like getting hit with a bucket full of hammers.

Needless to say, mistakes were made. At one point, Steel Bullit Stella and T-Vicious both decided simultaneously to go rogue, and just started clobbering people and collecting penalties. Then by the final jam, with Dubbs and myself in the box, Mo Payne had obviously been hit so hard that she forgot the rules. She got spun around by a solid hit and, instead of turning back in the right direction, she launched herself (in the wrong direction, mind you) at a CR blocker and landed the hit above the legal target zone.  Yeah, it was the culmination of several poor decisions, and it got her ejected from the bout.

"One time at camp, I wrestled a gator that was THIS big!" "Nuh uh, I saw that gator and it was only THIS big."

The final score was 81-250, Dames. Despite the uneven score, the bout was physically challenging and very competitive. Cedar Rapids played a great game and we had a blast with them. There were quite a few new faces since the last time we saw CR and we can’t wait to get to know them all better. Thanks to all of the Roller Girls, refs, crew and coaches for coming all the way out to little ol’ Sioux City to play with us!

It’s A-BOUT Time to Get Tickets!

We’re pert-near sold out of presale tickets, so get them while they’re cheap! Grab your $10 tickets at Kinetico on Morningside Ave, Knoepfler Chevrolet on Jackson St or Dalton’s Office on 4th and Water. Can’t get presale tickets? Well, just for you, because you’re a close, personal friend of mine, you can buy your ticket at the door for just $12.

Weekend at Derby’s

Because nothing--not even a corpse--can stop this kind of fun! For tickets, drop by Dalton's, Knoepfler Chevrolet, Kinetico or hit up your friendly, neigoborhood dame.

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